So...what did he say?

Women, as a general rule, do not like to admit their insecurities.  Even though they become glaringly obvious to anybody who spends any real time with us, it's hard to admit them openly.  One of our biggest insecurities is wanting to have the approval of others, but never being really sure if we get it or not.

Earlier tonight, we went out to a local bar to meet up with one of his friends.  All the way there, I could feel my stomach knotting up with worry.  Will the friend approve of me?  Will he think my guy and I are a good match?  What's more, how will my guy introduce me to his friend?  To this point, we have avoided titles altogether.  I wasn't entirely sure what I was hoping for, which made it that much more confusing.

When we got to the bar, we found a little table at the back and ordered a couple of beers.  Locally made, they were really good.  Honestly, I've never been much of a beer drinker, but when I'm with him it feels right.  I love how so many things feel right with him.  It's been amazing getting to spend this time with him.  I'm halfway lost to my musings when I see his arm go up to let his friend know where we are.  My heart starts racing, wondering how the rest of this night will go.

As it turned out, I didn't need to be worried at all.  When his friend got to our table he said, "J, this is my girlfriend..."  Wow.  Girlfriend.  We'd never officially talked about it, so I wasn't sure where he was at with titles. I have to admit, girlfriend sits very well with me.  Our history complicates things somewhat.  We've known each other for ten years, loved each other for nearly as long, and stayed in touch as our lives took very separate paths.  Somehow, "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" aren't exactly serious enough to reflect how we truly feel about each other.  Still, for how new this part of our relationship together is, the titles are just right.

The rest of the evening went really well.  The guys talked about work, video games, and some of the people they knew.  Occasionally J would turn to me and ask me a question about us.

"So, how did you two meet?" J asked.

After a quick almost-shy glance at my guy I answered.

"Middle School."

The look on J's face was great!  Stunned surprise, a questioning look like he was wondering if we were joking.

"We've known each other for about ten years," I explain.

After taking a couple of moments to recover, J asked me what I was doing out here.  Did I come just to see S?

"Actually, I came out to hunt buffalo, and thought since I was in the area, I'd drop in and see how he's doing."

The guys both laugh, and I hear S say, "Good answer."

The conversation moves on again, going nowhere in particular.  We take our time, enjoying the company and the fantastic burgers we each ordered.  When the guys get off on video games again, I let my mind drift a little inward.  I'm enjoying the lively atmosphere of the bar, and I'm supremely aware of the feel of S at my side.  I try not to look at him too often, not wanting to be obvious about how much I want him.  Suddenly, I'm aware that J is talking to me again.

"So, what's your plan now?"

I know he's asking if I'm planning to stay here with S and make a go of it, or if my trip is just that--a single trip.  I can feel S's eyes on me, waiting for my answer, and I know that I have to be careful.  Of course, in my own mind I'm thinking, "If he'll have me, I'll be coming back very soon.  Coming back to stay."  Out loud, I say:

"Just hang out, have some fun.  See how much he'll let me get away with."

"I'm guessing that's a lot!" J laughs.  I see S turning a little red out of the corner of my eye.  I hope that J is right.

The rest of the night went as well as this.  We laughed, joked, ate, and drank.  Before I knew it, we were saying goodbye and heading home.  On the way back to his apartment, I asked S what J thought of me.  It's as close as I can get right now to admitting openly that I want the people in his life to think that I'm good for him.  I can feel myself blushing, and silently thank the darkness for covering up my embarrassment.  I hate that I asked, but now that I have, I desperately want to know the answer.

"He liked you all right," is S's immediate answer.  He probably won't tell me anything else, I think.  Unless I ask another question, and I'm not sure if I...

"Did he say anything?" I blurt out before I can stop myself.

S goes quiet and still for a moment, thinking.

"Not really," he starts to say.  Then he corrects himself.

"Well, he did say one thing."

I hold my breath, assuming whatever J had to say would be bad.  I can't understand why S likes me, so why on Earth would J?

"Oh?  What did he say?"

"He said he was glad I finally found the perfect woman for me," S says.

There is absolutely no point in pretending I wasn't hoping for something like this.  I can't stop myself from grinning ear to ear as I settle back in to my seat and take S's hand in my own.  S squeezes my hand, and I see a small smile play across his lips.  Something tells me he knew I was hoping J would approve of me.  Now that I have that approval, I suddenly realize that it's not that important.  It's really nice, it's true, but what makes me happiest of all is being with my man.  Getting to hold his hand like this, getting to see him every day.  He's amazing, and I love him with all of my heart.