I hate to see him struggling so much. He wakes up with this heaviness in his eyes that breaks my heart. A few moments of that sad, resigned look and I am nearly frantic with the need to make him smile. When my attempts to get a smile, though, it never reaches those weighted eyes. Not when he has to go to work. Not when he's facing another week of this nightmare.
When he comes home after his 12-hour shift, he's a different person. He's tired, of course, but he's lighter. He smiles, even laughs. It's like he's gone in to battle and come out victorious once again. We talk, we play, we love, and then he goes to sleep. The next time he wakes, the heaviness is back. I know the cause, and I hate it as much as I understand it.
Every night that he faces another shift, he is unsure if he will make it through. I see that uncertainty in the lines of his face, the downward turn of his lips. The sight of it makes me want to scream. Not at him, but at them. Those bastards who have beaten him down and made him so, so tired. They have stripped him of everything that he has worked so hard for. His career has been reduced to less than nothing. His relationships have crumbled. Everything that he had been working so hard on has been taken away, and in such a short span of time.
A lot of days I worry whether he is at a place where he can try to build something with me. How selfish am I for wanting to start a life with him when he is still so wounded? When he is still facing so much, am I wrong to ask anything of him at all? I feel like maybe I am being selfish, but I can't stop. I love him. I love being here with him. And he says that he is happy I'm here. I want to believe him, but I worry that may just be hubris on my part. To think that I could actually be doing him some good here...
I feel like he is wasting away in front of me. This man that I love, have loved for 10 years, he is suffering. He's hurting, and I am sitting here writing about it. I hate myself for this, but I don't know what I can do. I know what he needs: he needs to be done with this job. He needs to transition out, and get the hell out of this city. He needs to go somewhere new, and start over. New job, new home, new city, new relationship. Every day that he is here he is reminded of all that he has lost here. Every night that he goes to work here he is slapped with the knowledge that he does not have the time to build back up what has been taken away. It's just this horrible limbo that he cannot stop or improve.
I want to make things better for him. I try with things like keeping the apartment cleaned, doing his laundry, cooking for him, making him laugh, telling him that he is loved and appreciated. I try to make him smile, and laugh whenever possible. Every day, my goal is to make his day better than it would be otherwise. That's all I can think to do. I just don't feel like it's enough.
When he asks for something, anything at all, I will be here to give it to him. No matter what, I will be here. I know it will be a while before he really asks anything of me. After all that he's lost, it will take time for him to come to fully trust me. To feel confident that he can rely on me to be here for him. I will wait, though. As long as it takes, I will wait. He's The One. The man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have all the time in the world to show him that he can lean on me.
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