I am trying to do too much. He can see the weight of it all on me, he says. I have tried to shrug it off like it's nothing, but I can see the damage myself every time I look in the mirror. Those ridiculously dark circles I had finally started to get rid of are back with a vengeance. Stupid things. It takes me an extra five minutes to get ready for the day, because they are so hard to cover up. At the end of the process, they are still there. I just barely manage to make myself look more human than raccoon.
So, it is obvious to us both that I am trying to do too much. The problem I see is that there is nothing in my life that I want to give up or cut back on.
I have work. I just started a week ago, and I absolutely love my job. Working at Victoria's Secret is fun, exciting, and definitely entertaining. I take a lot of pride in my work. I mean, come on, helping women feel comfortable, beautiful, and sexy for their everyday lives? That's worth getting up for! Yesterday I helped a woman find what she said was the first bra to fit her properly and comfortably that she's ever owned. Every woman who has ever worn an ill-fitting bra knows what torture that is.
I have school. I have just recently been invited to join the combined Bachelor's/Master's program at Capella University online. That will save me at least half a year, which is awesome. Saving time and money? That's really a great opportunity, and one I'm happy to take advantage of. I love my classes, of course, but I'm so happy to be getting closer and closer to my degree with every course I complete. Remember, I decided to study Psychology when I was in the 2nd grade. So, I have been working towards this goal for the last 17 years. Wow...that's the first time I've ever written it out like that. 17 years. Now I'm so close. I can't stand the thought of being delayed again unless it's absolutely unavoidable.
I have domestic duties. I love taking care of him in that way. He's gotten so used to having to do everything on his own, I find that really sad. After all, people are not meant to spend so much of their time alone. Aside from that, he simply doesn't have enough time. He works 12-hour shifts, you know. He works so hard, and when he finally is able to come home, he needs to just eat and sleep. On his days off, the very last thing he ought to worry about is taking out the garbage, washing the laundry, or doing the dishes. I can do all of those things. Yes, I work, too, but my shifts rarely last more than 7 hours. And my work is during normal waking hours, not the middle of the night as his are. I am good at domestic duties, I find cleaning relaxing, and I cherish the opportunity to make his life a little bit easier. It's not something I want to give up.
And, of course, I have him. We don't get to spend a lot of time together--he's working while I'm sleeping, he's sleeping while I'm working, and our work schedules often overlap a little bit. Daily, I'd say we have about three hours together on the outside. Typically our time together is spent on his days off. Sometimes, like yesterday, we stay up all night (his day off) and then I go to work in the morning. That is a little rough on me, but I don't want to miss out on the time with him.
Yesterday I found out that I was scheduled to have four days off in a row this week, starting today. Four days, really? Part of me thought that's exactly what I need. Four days is plenty of opportunity to do all of my homework for the week, get the apartment spotless, and rest before going back to my hectic schedule. I didn't take the time, though. As soon as I found out about the four days off, I asked for and took on two extra shifts. One today, and one on Friday. I still get two days off in a row, and one of them will be on his day off. I just don't want to lose that many hours. Frankly, we need the money. More than that, though, I don't want to be idle. Once I get going on my crazy schedule, I can't stop. As soon as I do, I lose my momentum and it's so hard to get that back.
Anyway, it's now 6 am. I have laundry to fold and put away, and then it's off to bed for a couple of hours. He'll be home then, and we can have our hour together before he goes to bed, and I get ready for work. When I came home from work yesterday I was so tired. I went to bed and ended up sleeping right through the gym. I'm very disappointed in myself for that, and am determined to not do it again tonight. I really enjoy going to the gym. There are stories, of course, but that's another topic for another day.
Take care for now.
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