All day today I have found myself anxious and distracted. When we first started talking about me coming out here to stay, it was with the clear understanding that this part of our relationship is completely new. We can't make big plans for the future just yet. We need to try and take things slow, to see how they naturally develop. At this point, it's been so long since we have spent any real amount of time together that we can't even be sure that we're a good match any more. Of course, we both want to be, but there's no way of really knowing until we try to live together. It's a big test, and it could blow up spectacularly in our faces.
The thing is, after less than a week of being here, after just two weeks of seeing him nearly every day, I'm done for. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the one that I want. He is The One. He thinks that I should be bored here with him, but I am not even close to bored. How to I explain to him just how much I love this everyday life? That I get to sleep next to him each night is such a treat. Cooking dinner for him in the evening is such a treat. All those silly little everyday things are exactly what I've always wanted with him.
Right now we are both in transition in our lives. I'm working on my degree, and still working small-time jobs for income. He is about two months away from being discharged from the Air Force, and then he plans to go back to school. Neither one of us is firmly established in our careers yet. We're still working on our plans for our lives. The thing is, now we can do those things together. The more time I spend with him, the more certain I am that sharing this journey with him is exactly what I want. I want so much to be there to support and encourage him as he transitions out and works on his degree. I want to be there to see all that he does, and see what he becomes.
I love him. I love how easy it is to be with him. The only thing I ever have a hard time talking to him about is when I wonder if we are on the same page. Does he want the same things with me now? I've been trying to take things slow, but the way I feel is what it is. I know better than to try and change how I feel. More than that, I don't want to change this. I have never been this happy in my life. I have never felt more content. Everything with him feels just right.
The question that is burning on the back of my tongue is, "Do you feel the same way?" Having me here even just this short amount of time, are you certain that this is right for you? Am I the one for you? I want to know, but I don't want to ask. I know that the right thing would be to let whatever this is progress naturally, but how can we do that? After all, our love started ten years ago. Nothing of how we came to be together like this has followed the typical progression of a relationship. To my knowledge, this is completely uncharted territory. Add to that, what works for one person may not work for another.
I am anxious. I am full of befuddled thoughts. I do not know what to do next. All I can think is that I love him, I am happy with him, and I hope that he feels the same way that I do.
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