This is driving me crazy. It was just one stupid little slip in coordination. Not a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be. So, why the hell am I so bent out of shape about this?
We were supposed to meet up at the gym tonight. He goes for two hours during his shift, and I like to go because I enjoy it. I don't have a pass to get on base, though. To get me a pass, we were supposed to meet up at the gate first. No big deal. It would have taken just a couple of minutes to do. Somebody in his unit was missing, so he only had about thirty seconds to get me a pass. He told me to be there ASAP, so I got there ASAP. In fact, I beat him to the gate. Then I realized I didn't have my ID on me. I'd taken it out of my wallet to take care of some forms for work, and hadn't put it back. So, I raced back to the apartment to get it and straight back to the gate. I got there just in time-to miss him by about one minute.
I got ahold of him to see if he could come back, but of course he couldn't. This isn't just regular work where you have some flexibility. This is the military. He was already doing more than was strictly okay by getting me the pass tonight. He couldn't try again, and I understand that. It's just...frustrating. I'm pretty pissed, to be completely honest. Only, I'm not pissed at him.
There's no way I could be mad at him, but I know I'm taking it out on him right now. My responses to him have been clipped and stressed. I know he can tell, because he just offered to swing by the apartment after the gym, which I know he really shouldn't do. I just don't want to start talking too much, because then I'll vent that I'm upset. He doesn't need to be bothered with that nonsense. And it is nonsense.
I'm frustrated because it's so tough to get the timing right between the two of us. Him being in the military alone makes things difficult. Have you ever tried to spend quality time with somebody who works all night long and sleeps all day? And his shifts are each 12 hours long. So, between work and sleep there's about three hours left over in the day. That time has to take care of hygiene, eating, and getting ready for the next shift. After all of that, there's maybe an hour left. One hour. Each day. It's ridiculous. Trying to spend quality time with somebody who only has an hour is next to impossible. He wants to relax with me, but most of the time he's stressing about going back to work.
When he finally has a day off, he spends the majority of it sleeping, because he needs to catch up on his rest. Then there's my job. We don't even get to sleep next to each other any more because I work while he sleeps. By the time I get home, I'm ready to take a bath and go to bed. My job isn't hard, and my hours aren't long, but I do a lot and I do get tired. So, I come home and go to bed while he gets up and goes to work.
To get any real time together, I have to be very flexible and extremely determined to make it work. He doesn't have that option because so much of his life is so strictly regimented. I am really the only one who can make the choices, so I do. I stay up all night so we can text (our only real conversations any more). I stay up after work so I can cook him dinner. I stay up all night knowing I have to work in the morning because he at last has a night off and I'd like to have that time with him. Things like that.
Really, it's just me being selfish. I have physical needs, but I put them aside because I enjoy having time with him. He told me at the beginning that as far as he's concerned, he'd like to have maybe one or two days a week to spend with me. Other than that, he didn't expect to see me much. It's on me that I go so long without sleeping. It's my fault that I'm cranky as all get out because I don't get enough rest. That's really why I'm so frustrated tonight. I give up so much to have that time with him, and this one thing is more for me than it is for him. I love going to the gym. It makes me happy, and I always feel so great afterwards. One stupid mistake, and I missed it tonight. That on top of missing it last night because I was sleeping has put me in a severely foul mood. Growl.
All right, enough bitching and moaning. It's not doing anybody any good. I'm off to take a bath and then probably to bed. Tomorrow I have the day off, so hopefully that will help my mood.
Take care.
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