Okay, I'll admit it. I'm sick. I don't know what is wrong, or how to fix it. I know that it hurts, that it's scary, and that it could be really, really bad. I also know that whatever this is, it's not going to stop me from going to see the man that I love.
When I was very little, I was diagnosed with cancer. After years of fighting with only a 30% chance of survival, I was finally declared in remission. What I was told at that time is that I had less than a 1% chance of ever relapsing, so I shouldn't worry about it. And for a long time I didn't. Until I started getting the bruises again.
A few weeks ago, I realized that I'd suddenly gotten a large bruise on my side from bumping in to the door frame. "Well, that's unusual," I'd thought at the time. I didn't think I'd hit the doorway that hard. Shrugging it off as another accident (I'm rather prone, you see), I put it out of my mind and went about my business. The next morning, I woke up with another bruise. The day after that, I developed a large bruise on my arm from holding my son in his car seat. That evening I took a nap on the couch and awoke with yet another bruise on my hip. For me, that was the last straw. A bruise from sleeping on the couch for half an hour? There is something seriously wrong here.
Now I'm waiting to find out if I've relapsed or if I've developed some other blood disorder. In the meanwhile, my love is worried that maybe I should call off my trip. After all, if I'm too sick to lift my head off the pillow (as I have been a few times), surely I'm too sick to get on a plane and fly all day? But I'm not. I have been looking forward to this trip for so long, I'm not going to give up on it just because I may be really ill. The fact is, I don't know what's wrong yet. I'll get in to see a doctor before I fly out, though, and I still have 11 days to figure out a way to make my symptoms easier to deal with.
That's the thing, you know? When you really want something, when you really love someone, you will find a way to make things work. I've loved this man for 10 years. In all our time of knowing each other, there have been times where I let him down. Where I was supposed to be there and I wasn't. It's because of those times that I failed that we lost so much time together. It's because of those times that I'm trying to start over with him again. I won't let that happen any more. As long as I can be there, I will be.
Although this sounds like a desperate need to make up for past mistakes (and that does play a small role, I'll admit), that's not why I'm so determined to go. It's been WAY too long since I got to spend any real time with him. I miss him terribly, and want to see him. So, unless my doctor tells me that I'm absolutely not allowed to fly, I'll be seeing him in 11 days. And that's all there is to that!
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