Sweet and warm and strong
Soft gold shimmering 'round me
The essence of you
I'd asked him if he could write a haiku about honey. Since I'd asked him, I thought I should make one of my own. It was years ago now that I'd first asked him to write a haiku. The one he came up with was cute, and I still have it saved. :) I love the things he writes. He has such a distinctive personality that seeps in to everything that he does. It's almost as if he's coated with a shimmery powder, and everything he touches gets a little of him rubbed off on to it. I wince as I think of the way I've told him a half-truth in asking for the haiku. From the way that I phrased it, I'm sure he thinks I mean milk and honey type of honey. Really, I mean the sweet nickname given from one partner to another. I asked him because I can't stop thinking about how much I want him to call me "Honey." I wonder if he ever will?
We've talked so much lately. I feel closer to him than ever before, though I'm honestly not sure how that is possible. We talk like true friends. We are able to joke and tease, argue and debate, and go through all the conversations we need to from the happiest to the most painful. One of our light-hearted conversations was about his predilection to use the phrase "One step at a time." :) I told him that he should have it tattooed on to him, he uses it so much. I was only mildly surprised when he said that he thinks I'm right. After all, he's wanted a tattoo for a long time, he just wasn't sure what he wanted. This seems like a good idea. I admit readily that it sounds well-suited for him.
Then he adds something that catches me completely off guard.
"And I'm going to have a chain. I'll add a link every time I get divorced."
My heart stops. I've completely forgotten how to breathe somehow. Though a moment before this my mind had been racing through a dozen different things I want to talk to him about, now my mind has been wiped clean. Empty save for the instant replay of his last words. Every time he gets divorced? That tells me so many things.
First, he plans to marry again. I always knew that he would, because he wants a family, but I wasn't sure if he would be able to think about it so soon. He puts all of himself in to the paths that he chooses. He does nothing halfway, and so I have a slight understanding of what this past year has cost him. I thought he would need more time.
Second is more of a moment of self-awareness than a revelation. My heart screams, my mind is frozen in longing for a long moment. Every particle of my being knows with 100% certainty that if he chose me, if he married me, there would be no more divorces for him. If I were ever lucky enough to have him as my husband, I would not let him go. It's what I truly want in my secret heart.
To be his completely is my greatest desire. Sometimes, I am so sure he knows that. After all, how could he not know when it's so often on my mind? When I talk to him, when I see him, I know without any doubt that he is the one I want. Has always been the one that I want. My mind shouts for him to be with me. I wonder he doesn't jump at the noise every time we talk. Other times, I am confident that I have successfully hidden away this secret desire of mine for now. Hopefully there will come a time when he will ask me. If he does, I want it to be right. I want it to come from him alone, and not from me. I want to know that he wants me the way that I want him. As sure as I am that he is the only one for me, he is my other half, I am also sure that this is not the right time for that step. We need to take things slowly. As he loves to remind me, "One step at a time."
I wonder if that step is close, though. In a couple of weeks I will find out if I'm really sick again or not. Though I'm trying my best to stay positive and refuse to resign myself to being so ill before I know what's actually going on, I can't help but let my mind wander down that path every once in a while. The one thing I'm absolutely certain of is that, if I'm that sick again, I want to be his. Before the disease wastes me away to a mere shell of a human, I want to be his. Would he give me that? Though I would want it, and though he would be tempted (as I think he would be), I don't think that he would give in. Knowing him as I do, I feel sure that he would refuse to marry me until I was well again. He wouldn't allow it to look like he was marrying me as my last request.
As I write this now, my heart is melting. No matter what my situation is, sick or healthy, young or old, I love him completely. He is the one that I want. He has been since I was 13 years old. :) I would truly be the luckiest woman in the world to one day be able to look down and see his ring on my finger, and feel his name leave my lips every day. I see the life that we could have together so clearly, it already feels real to me most of the time. I want that life! I want him. I think of him with longing, desperate to know if he wants me the same way. Will we have that life together?
I can feel my thoughts starting to get out of control, and seek to reign myself in. The solution comes to mind in a flash, and the mantra abruptly calms me.
One step at a time.
First we will get through the last 13 days until I take my trip to see him.
One step at a time.
Next we will see how that visit goes. See if we want things to continue moving forward.
One step at a time.
These two things are enough to keep us busy. We do not need to get ahead of ourselves any more than we already do in our private thoughts. I take a deep breath, and feel some of the urgency to be with him leave me. One step at a time. I smile ruefully as I curse him for dominating my life with his mantra. He is absolutely right and I know it. I love him for it, really. But he is so smug knowing that he is right. :) It's all right. I'll get him back eventually.
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