He is so cute sometimes. He thinks that he's as eager for me to get to him as I am. :) Of course, I'm sure that he's not nearly as excited as me. Why would he be? I'm waiting for him, and all he's waiting for is me. Even as I write this, I can hear him in my head telling me not to doubt myself so much. This must be a huge frustration for most men: why don't women just trust themselves more?
Men are so straight-forward. If they are unhappy with you, you will know it. Sure, they may not just come right out and tell you that they're not happy--they aren't stupid, you know!--but you'll know. Men are not good at hiding what they're really feeling. So long as you pay attention to him, pay attention to his demeanor and his moods, you should be able to tell if he's happy or not.
The thing is, I can't see my man. Actually, I can't even really call him mine, can I? After all, he's made no promises to me. We're not technically dating. He's just this guy that I've loved for 10 years, and can't imagine spending the rest of my life without...*sigh* I am hopeless, aren't I? Anyway, I can't see him. I don't spend time with him every day. All we have at the moment is text messages, a few e-mails, and the occasional phone call. How am I supposed to discern anything from that? And how in the world am I supposed to figure out what it is that keeps him coming back to me when I cannot offer him anything real right now?
He's been talking about moving to where I am. Not for me, of course. Well, he's not moving for me, but he might be moving here for me. To be near me. To give us a fighting chance at having a real life together. I'm absolutely blown away that he would do that. I mean...that's huge, you know? He could pick up and start over anywhere in the world, and he's choosing to come to me. At least, he's thinking about it. How is it that I mean that much to him? What do I do that keeps him coming back? I want to know, so I make damn sure I keep doing it!
I suppose, at the end of the day, what I really want to know is that he is happy with me. Even if I don't know exactly why (though I would really, really prefer to know), the important thing to me is that he be happy. And you know, it may sound arrogant, but I think that he is happy. He's not a stupid person. He knows what he wants, and he's never been afraid to be direct about going after it. A move here is certainly direct! I may not understand why he feels this way about me, but I do know that the feeling is absolutely mutual. Instead of questioning it at every turn, I think I'll just start enjoying it!
She waits
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Daydreaming
The sunlight streams in my dining room window and catches on the copper tones in my auburn hair. I smile at my new hair color. It's lovely, I think, and fitting for me. Though it's red, it's not obnoxiously red. No fire engines will confuse my hair for their long-lost cousin. :) No, the color I went for has a quiet vibrance. Fitting, as that is how my love makes me feel. Quietly vibrant. Full of life and happiness for the first time since the last time. I'm sweeping the floor, only paying partial attention to my chore. Most of my mind is lost in thought of him. If I stay lost in my thoughts long enough, it almost feels like he's just at work and will be coming home soon. Of course, that's not true. He's not in my city. He's not even in my state. Rather, he's halfway across the country, living a life completely separate from mine.
It's so easy for me to picture our lives together. Possibly it's because I've been doing it for so long, but I honestly think that we belong together. It is so easy to be with him, to consider myself his. Nothing is forced when I'm with him. I don't feel the need to constantly be doing something, going somewhere, putting on a show for the benefit of others. I'm...relaxed. Content. Comfortable. Being with him is as natural and peaceful as being in nature for me. I feel like I belong with him. I wonder if he considers me in the long-term?
Though I do my level best to control my thoughts, I cannot help but glance at my left hand and wonder what it would be like to see his ring there. Before I can stop myself, I'm swept up in a vision of him coming through the front door of our home, sneaking up behind me. Suddenly his arms are around me and his laughter fills the room at how the surprise has made me jump halfway out of my skin. I laugh with him, giving him a playful swat. He takes my broom in one hand and my hand in the other, leading me out of the kitchen to the living room. Pulling me down on to the couch next to him, he holds me and we are just still for a while.
I lean my back against his chest, my head turned so I can hear his heart beat slow and steady. He rests his cheek on my hair, trailing the fingers of his right hand up and down my arm, our left hands twined together so our rings glint gently in the evening light. My eyes close against the utter perfection of the moment. It's difficult to imagine life getting any better than this. Behind me I feel his breathing become ragged and his heartbeat quicken. His fingers trace their path up my arm, but instead of trailing back down to my wrist, they continue. Across my collar bone, up my neck, to gently tilt my head up. For the briefest moment before his lips cover mine, I meet his eyes. The depth of love I see there overwhelms me. I close my eyes and give in to the moment...
I have to shake my head a little to clear my vision. It's so damn easy to think of myself with him. So easy to feel his touch, his lips on mine, because I've felt it before. It's a struggle, on the other hand, to make myself wait here patiently. Only five more days, I tell myself for what must be the fiftieth time today. Five more days and he'll be greeting me in the airport. Five more days. Surely I can last that long? I consider what I must get through in the next five days and suddenly I worry about what shape I'll be in when I finally get to him. Sighing, I force that thought out of my mind. We'll deal with that if we come to it, I tell myself. For now, let's just sweep the floor and try to be patient. As I concentrate, my sweeping becomes a little more aggressive than is absolutely necessary.
It's so easy for me to picture our lives together. Possibly it's because I've been doing it for so long, but I honestly think that we belong together. It is so easy to be with him, to consider myself his. Nothing is forced when I'm with him. I don't feel the need to constantly be doing something, going somewhere, putting on a show for the benefit of others. I'm...relaxed. Content. Comfortable. Being with him is as natural and peaceful as being in nature for me. I feel like I belong with him. I wonder if he considers me in the long-term?
Though I do my level best to control my thoughts, I cannot help but glance at my left hand and wonder what it would be like to see his ring there. Before I can stop myself, I'm swept up in a vision of him coming through the front door of our home, sneaking up behind me. Suddenly his arms are around me and his laughter fills the room at how the surprise has made me jump halfway out of my skin. I laugh with him, giving him a playful swat. He takes my broom in one hand and my hand in the other, leading me out of the kitchen to the living room. Pulling me down on to the couch next to him, he holds me and we are just still for a while.
I lean my back against his chest, my head turned so I can hear his heart beat slow and steady. He rests his cheek on my hair, trailing the fingers of his right hand up and down my arm, our left hands twined together so our rings glint gently in the evening light. My eyes close against the utter perfection of the moment. It's difficult to imagine life getting any better than this. Behind me I feel his breathing become ragged and his heartbeat quicken. His fingers trace their path up my arm, but instead of trailing back down to my wrist, they continue. Across my collar bone, up my neck, to gently tilt my head up. For the briefest moment before his lips cover mine, I meet his eyes. The depth of love I see there overwhelms me. I close my eyes and give in to the moment...
I have to shake my head a little to clear my vision. It's so damn easy to think of myself with him. So easy to feel his touch, his lips on mine, because I've felt it before. It's a struggle, on the other hand, to make myself wait here patiently. Only five more days, I tell myself for what must be the fiftieth time today. Five more days and he'll be greeting me in the airport. Five more days. Surely I can last that long? I consider what I must get through in the next five days and suddenly I worry about what shape I'll be in when I finally get to him. Sighing, I force that thought out of my mind. We'll deal with that if we come to it, I tell myself. For now, let's just sweep the floor and try to be patient. As I concentrate, my sweeping becomes a little more aggressive than is absolutely necessary.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Enjoy Yourself
Today is the last of the double-digit days counting down to my trip. How cool is that? It's actually kind of hard to believe how close the trip is now...I've been waiting for over a month to go and see him, since I started planning this trip at the beginning of September. Just 10 more days. It's almost close enough where I can start packing! lol Yes, I am one of those people who starts packing for a trip about a week in advance. But, come on, can you really blame me? This is the most highly anticipated trip I've ever taken in my life!
I'll admit, for the first month I was waiting, this trip didn't seem entirely real. Just another one of those dreams I've had over and over throughout the years without him. But it IS real. :) I'm really going to go and see him next week! AHHHHH! hehehe
I'm just about ready to make the trip, too. I have all of my stuff planned out, and am waiting until next week to actually get packed up. So, now is the time to just relax and enjoy myself. I'll be there very soon!
I'll admit, for the first month I was waiting, this trip didn't seem entirely real. Just another one of those dreams I've had over and over throughout the years without him. But it IS real. :) I'm really going to go and see him next week! AHHHHH! hehehe
I'm just about ready to make the trip, too. I have all of my stuff planned out, and am waiting until next week to actually get packed up. So, now is the time to just relax and enjoy myself. I'll be there very soon!
Monday, October 18, 2010
In Sickness and In Health
Okay, I'll admit it. I'm sick. I don't know what is wrong, or how to fix it. I know that it hurts, that it's scary, and that it could be really, really bad. I also know that whatever this is, it's not going to stop me from going to see the man that I love.
When I was very little, I was diagnosed with cancer. After years of fighting with only a 30% chance of survival, I was finally declared in remission. What I was told at that time is that I had less than a 1% chance of ever relapsing, so I shouldn't worry about it. And for a long time I didn't. Until I started getting the bruises again.
A few weeks ago, I realized that I'd suddenly gotten a large bruise on my side from bumping in to the door frame. "Well, that's unusual," I'd thought at the time. I didn't think I'd hit the doorway that hard. Shrugging it off as another accident (I'm rather prone, you see), I put it out of my mind and went about my business. The next morning, I woke up with another bruise. The day after that, I developed a large bruise on my arm from holding my son in his car seat. That evening I took a nap on the couch and awoke with yet another bruise on my hip. For me, that was the last straw. A bruise from sleeping on the couch for half an hour? There is something seriously wrong here.
Now I'm waiting to find out if I've relapsed or if I've developed some other blood disorder. In the meanwhile, my love is worried that maybe I should call off my trip. After all, if I'm too sick to lift my head off the pillow (as I have been a few times), surely I'm too sick to get on a plane and fly all day? But I'm not. I have been looking forward to this trip for so long, I'm not going to give up on it just because I may be really ill. The fact is, I don't know what's wrong yet. I'll get in to see a doctor before I fly out, though, and I still have 11 days to figure out a way to make my symptoms easier to deal with.
That's the thing, you know? When you really want something, when you really love someone, you will find a way to make things work. I've loved this man for 10 years. In all our time of knowing each other, there have been times where I let him down. Where I was supposed to be there and I wasn't. It's because of those times that I failed that we lost so much time together. It's because of those times that I'm trying to start over with him again. I won't let that happen any more. As long as I can be there, I will be.
Although this sounds like a desperate need to make up for past mistakes (and that does play a small role, I'll admit), that's not why I'm so determined to go. It's been WAY too long since I got to spend any real time with him. I miss him terribly, and want to see him. So, unless my doctor tells me that I'm absolutely not allowed to fly, I'll be seeing him in 11 days. And that's all there is to that!
When I was very little, I was diagnosed with cancer. After years of fighting with only a 30% chance of survival, I was finally declared in remission. What I was told at that time is that I had less than a 1% chance of ever relapsing, so I shouldn't worry about it. And for a long time I didn't. Until I started getting the bruises again.
A few weeks ago, I realized that I'd suddenly gotten a large bruise on my side from bumping in to the door frame. "Well, that's unusual," I'd thought at the time. I didn't think I'd hit the doorway that hard. Shrugging it off as another accident (I'm rather prone, you see), I put it out of my mind and went about my business. The next morning, I woke up with another bruise. The day after that, I developed a large bruise on my arm from holding my son in his car seat. That evening I took a nap on the couch and awoke with yet another bruise on my hip. For me, that was the last straw. A bruise from sleeping on the couch for half an hour? There is something seriously wrong here.
Now I'm waiting to find out if I've relapsed or if I've developed some other blood disorder. In the meanwhile, my love is worried that maybe I should call off my trip. After all, if I'm too sick to lift my head off the pillow (as I have been a few times), surely I'm too sick to get on a plane and fly all day? But I'm not. I have been looking forward to this trip for so long, I'm not going to give up on it just because I may be really ill. The fact is, I don't know what's wrong yet. I'll get in to see a doctor before I fly out, though, and I still have 11 days to figure out a way to make my symptoms easier to deal with.
That's the thing, you know? When you really want something, when you really love someone, you will find a way to make things work. I've loved this man for 10 years. In all our time of knowing each other, there have been times where I let him down. Where I was supposed to be there and I wasn't. It's because of those times that I failed that we lost so much time together. It's because of those times that I'm trying to start over with him again. I won't let that happen any more. As long as I can be there, I will be.
Although this sounds like a desperate need to make up for past mistakes (and that does play a small role, I'll admit), that's not why I'm so determined to go. It's been WAY too long since I got to spend any real time with him. I miss him terribly, and want to see him. So, unless my doctor tells me that I'm absolutely not allowed to fly, I'll be seeing him in 11 days. And that's all there is to that!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Distance=Awkward Conversations
You cannot always be talking to the one that you love. The logical part of my brain is absolutely assured of that, and tries to tell the rest of me--my heart in particular--that it is all right if we spend some time in silence. In all honesty, though, I struggle with it. When we go for a day or so without talking, I feel lonely and sad. I miss him very much. Throughout my days, I see things I would love to comment to him on, and do things I think he would find funny. It seems like second nature to me to share what happens in my days with him, and it seems like fighting the natural course of things to be met with silence.
I wonder how much different things would be if we were really together, and saw each other every day. Wouldn't that be grand? The silence would no longer bother me, I'm sure. There would be no more pressure to fill the silence with conversation after conversation. So much of how we've always been has been in silence, in each other's company. I can get far more comfort from laying my head on his shoulder and resting my eyes than I can from hours of conversation. He can see my understanding far better in my eyes than he can in hundreds of text messages.
I like to read, he likes to play video games. How great would it be for us to be able to spend time together enjoying our pleasurable hobbies? As it is, we really can't. After all, it's very difficult to carry on a conversation when you're beating a level or reaching the climax of the story.
We are less than two weeks away from my visit to him. As each day passes, I get more and more excited. I'll be there soon!
I wonder how much different things would be if we were really together, and saw each other every day. Wouldn't that be grand? The silence would no longer bother me, I'm sure. There would be no more pressure to fill the silence with conversation after conversation. So much of how we've always been has been in silence, in each other's company. I can get far more comfort from laying my head on his shoulder and resting my eyes than I can from hours of conversation. He can see my understanding far better in my eyes than he can in hundreds of text messages.
I like to read, he likes to play video games. How great would it be for us to be able to spend time together enjoying our pleasurable hobbies? As it is, we really can't. After all, it's very difficult to carry on a conversation when you're beating a level or reaching the climax of the story.
We are less than two weeks away from my visit to him. As each day passes, I get more and more excited. I'll be there soon!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
How Close He Is...
Sweet and warm and strong
Soft gold shimmering 'round me
The essence of you
I'd asked him if he could write a haiku about honey. Since I'd asked him, I thought I should make one of my own. It was years ago now that I'd first asked him to write a haiku. The one he came up with was cute, and I still have it saved. :) I love the things he writes. He has such a distinctive personality that seeps in to everything that he does. It's almost as if he's coated with a shimmery powder, and everything he touches gets a little of him rubbed off on to it. I wince as I think of the way I've told him a half-truth in asking for the haiku. From the way that I phrased it, I'm sure he thinks I mean milk and honey type of honey. Really, I mean the sweet nickname given from one partner to another. I asked him because I can't stop thinking about how much I want him to call me "Honey." I wonder if he ever will?
We've talked so much lately. I feel closer to him than ever before, though I'm honestly not sure how that is possible. We talk like true friends. We are able to joke and tease, argue and debate, and go through all the conversations we need to from the happiest to the most painful. One of our light-hearted conversations was about his predilection to use the phrase "One step at a time." :) I told him that he should have it tattooed on to him, he uses it so much. I was only mildly surprised when he said that he thinks I'm right. After all, he's wanted a tattoo for a long time, he just wasn't sure what he wanted. This seems like a good idea. I admit readily that it sounds well-suited for him.
Then he adds something that catches me completely off guard.
"And I'm going to have a chain. I'll add a link every time I get divorced."
My heart stops. I've completely forgotten how to breathe somehow. Though a moment before this my mind had been racing through a dozen different things I want to talk to him about, now my mind has been wiped clean. Empty save for the instant replay of his last words. Every time he gets divorced? That tells me so many things.
First, he plans to marry again. I always knew that he would, because he wants a family, but I wasn't sure if he would be able to think about it so soon. He puts all of himself in to the paths that he chooses. He does nothing halfway, and so I have a slight understanding of what this past year has cost him. I thought he would need more time.
Second is more of a moment of self-awareness than a revelation. My heart screams, my mind is frozen in longing for a long moment. Every particle of my being knows with 100% certainty that if he chose me, if he married me, there would be no more divorces for him. If I were ever lucky enough to have him as my husband, I would not let him go. It's what I truly want in my secret heart.
To be his completely is my greatest desire. Sometimes, I am so sure he knows that. After all, how could he not know when it's so often on my mind? When I talk to him, when I see him, I know without any doubt that he is the one I want. Has always been the one that I want. My mind shouts for him to be with me. I wonder he doesn't jump at the noise every time we talk. Other times, I am confident that I have successfully hidden away this secret desire of mine for now. Hopefully there will come a time when he will ask me. If he does, I want it to be right. I want it to come from him alone, and not from me. I want to know that he wants me the way that I want him. As sure as I am that he is the only one for me, he is my other half, I am also sure that this is not the right time for that step. We need to take things slowly. As he loves to remind me, "One step at a time."
I wonder if that step is close, though. In a couple of weeks I will find out if I'm really sick again or not. Though I'm trying my best to stay positive and refuse to resign myself to being so ill before I know what's actually going on, I can't help but let my mind wander down that path every once in a while. The one thing I'm absolutely certain of is that, if I'm that sick again, I want to be his. Before the disease wastes me away to a mere shell of a human, I want to be his. Would he give me that? Though I would want it, and though he would be tempted (as I think he would be), I don't think that he would give in. Knowing him as I do, I feel sure that he would refuse to marry me until I was well again. He wouldn't allow it to look like he was marrying me as my last request.
As I write this now, my heart is melting. No matter what my situation is, sick or healthy, young or old, I love him completely. He is the one that I want. He has been since I was 13 years old. :) I would truly be the luckiest woman in the world to one day be able to look down and see his ring on my finger, and feel his name leave my lips every day. I see the life that we could have together so clearly, it already feels real to me most of the time. I want that life! I want him. I think of him with longing, desperate to know if he wants me the same way. Will we have that life together?
I can feel my thoughts starting to get out of control, and seek to reign myself in. The solution comes to mind in a flash, and the mantra abruptly calms me.
One step at a time.
First we will get through the last 13 days until I take my trip to see him.
One step at a time.
Next we will see how that visit goes. See if we want things to continue moving forward.
One step at a time.
These two things are enough to keep us busy. We do not need to get ahead of ourselves any more than we already do in our private thoughts. I take a deep breath, and feel some of the urgency to be with him leave me. One step at a time. I smile ruefully as I curse him for dominating my life with his mantra. He is absolutely right and I know it. I love him for it, really. But he is so smug knowing that he is right. :) It's all right. I'll get him back eventually.
Soft gold shimmering 'round me
The essence of you
I'd asked him if he could write a haiku about honey. Since I'd asked him, I thought I should make one of my own. It was years ago now that I'd first asked him to write a haiku. The one he came up with was cute, and I still have it saved. :) I love the things he writes. He has such a distinctive personality that seeps in to everything that he does. It's almost as if he's coated with a shimmery powder, and everything he touches gets a little of him rubbed off on to it. I wince as I think of the way I've told him a half-truth in asking for the haiku. From the way that I phrased it, I'm sure he thinks I mean milk and honey type of honey. Really, I mean the sweet nickname given from one partner to another. I asked him because I can't stop thinking about how much I want him to call me "Honey." I wonder if he ever will?
We've talked so much lately. I feel closer to him than ever before, though I'm honestly not sure how that is possible. We talk like true friends. We are able to joke and tease, argue and debate, and go through all the conversations we need to from the happiest to the most painful. One of our light-hearted conversations was about his predilection to use the phrase "One step at a time." :) I told him that he should have it tattooed on to him, he uses it so much. I was only mildly surprised when he said that he thinks I'm right. After all, he's wanted a tattoo for a long time, he just wasn't sure what he wanted. This seems like a good idea. I admit readily that it sounds well-suited for him.
Then he adds something that catches me completely off guard.
"And I'm going to have a chain. I'll add a link every time I get divorced."
My heart stops. I've completely forgotten how to breathe somehow. Though a moment before this my mind had been racing through a dozen different things I want to talk to him about, now my mind has been wiped clean. Empty save for the instant replay of his last words. Every time he gets divorced? That tells me so many things.
First, he plans to marry again. I always knew that he would, because he wants a family, but I wasn't sure if he would be able to think about it so soon. He puts all of himself in to the paths that he chooses. He does nothing halfway, and so I have a slight understanding of what this past year has cost him. I thought he would need more time.
Second is more of a moment of self-awareness than a revelation. My heart screams, my mind is frozen in longing for a long moment. Every particle of my being knows with 100% certainty that if he chose me, if he married me, there would be no more divorces for him. If I were ever lucky enough to have him as my husband, I would not let him go. It's what I truly want in my secret heart.
To be his completely is my greatest desire. Sometimes, I am so sure he knows that. After all, how could he not know when it's so often on my mind? When I talk to him, when I see him, I know without any doubt that he is the one I want. Has always been the one that I want. My mind shouts for him to be with me. I wonder he doesn't jump at the noise every time we talk. Other times, I am confident that I have successfully hidden away this secret desire of mine for now. Hopefully there will come a time when he will ask me. If he does, I want it to be right. I want it to come from him alone, and not from me. I want to know that he wants me the way that I want him. As sure as I am that he is the only one for me, he is my other half, I am also sure that this is not the right time for that step. We need to take things slowly. As he loves to remind me, "One step at a time."
I wonder if that step is close, though. In a couple of weeks I will find out if I'm really sick again or not. Though I'm trying my best to stay positive and refuse to resign myself to being so ill before I know what's actually going on, I can't help but let my mind wander down that path every once in a while. The one thing I'm absolutely certain of is that, if I'm that sick again, I want to be his. Before the disease wastes me away to a mere shell of a human, I want to be his. Would he give me that? Though I would want it, and though he would be tempted (as I think he would be), I don't think that he would give in. Knowing him as I do, I feel sure that he would refuse to marry me until I was well again. He wouldn't allow it to look like he was marrying me as my last request.
As I write this now, my heart is melting. No matter what my situation is, sick or healthy, young or old, I love him completely. He is the one that I want. He has been since I was 13 years old. :) I would truly be the luckiest woman in the world to one day be able to look down and see his ring on my finger, and feel his name leave my lips every day. I see the life that we could have together so clearly, it already feels real to me most of the time. I want that life! I want him. I think of him with longing, desperate to know if he wants me the same way. Will we have that life together?
I can feel my thoughts starting to get out of control, and seek to reign myself in. The solution comes to mind in a flash, and the mantra abruptly calms me.
One step at a time.
First we will get through the last 13 days until I take my trip to see him.
One step at a time.
Next we will see how that visit goes. See if we want things to continue moving forward.
One step at a time.
These two things are enough to keep us busy. We do not need to get ahead of ourselves any more than we already do in our private thoughts. I take a deep breath, and feel some of the urgency to be with him leave me. One step at a time. I smile ruefully as I curse him for dominating my life with his mantra. He is absolutely right and I know it. I love him for it, really. But he is so smug knowing that he is right. :) It's all right. I'll get him back eventually.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Terms of Endearment
It was a very long time ago that I first noticed how he never uses names. Only in formal occasions has he used them, and at those times, the words rolled off his tongue uncomfortably. I didn't know if he noticed, if he was consciously aware of this, but I have attuned myself to him. I try to notice everything.
The thought of him not using titles, names, or any terms of endearment has me thinking. Surely he must? Doesn't everybody do it? I myself use terms of endearment often. Everybody I know has been called "hun" by me. He has several pet names. "Dear." "Love." "Handsome." And of course there are ones that nobody hears but him. In my own heart I call him mine, though I've never voiced this to him. Much as I struggle with it, I am bound and determined to respect his need to take things slowly. At least on the outside. My heart is years ahead of time already...
When I say that he doesn't use titles or names, I mean regularly. Every once in a while he does. He said my name this week. His soft whisper voicing my name sent thrills of love through me. I will always remember our conversation for the way it ended.
"What do you think of pet names? And I mean pet names like 'Sweetheart,' and 'Baby.' Not 'Rufus' or 'Spot.'"
He'd laughed at that. He always laughs at my little similies. Sometimes I come up with ridiculous ones just to hear that laugh. Those moments when he sounds carefree and young. :) Knowing I brought him a moment just by being silly makes me want to be silly that much more often.
As happens so often, he has no real opinion on my utterly random question. He asks, instead, why you would give an animal the nickname "Rufus." I affect indignation at this.
"Rufus is a great name for a dog! And a dog is a pet. Therefore, it is a pet name." I stick my tongue out at him, even though I know he can't see me over the phone. For a brief moment, I wonder if he knows exactly what I'm doing. His low chuckle makes me certain.
"Ah huh. Sure." He emphasizes the last word, as he always does. How many patterns he has! So many times I am able to predict his response before he gives it. I smile a small, private smile as I think of how that confounds him. He is not used to being predictable. I don't think that he is to anybody but me. Hm...I wonder if it is bad of me to be glad that I'm the only one? It's not that I don't want him to be known and loved by the people in his life. It's that I don't want any competition. The one edge that I have over the other women he might meet is that I know him so well. Well, that and the fact that I know I love him like no one else in the world will ever be able to.
We move on to other topics, keeping the conversation light and happy. I wonder that he can't hear the jubilance in my voice every time I talk with him. Jubilance and utter frustration. When I hear his voice, every single fiber of my being wants to be next to him. I miss him so fiercely, especially at night. I think of him alone in his bed, me alone in mind, and I grit my teeth at the insanity of it. Why shouldn't we be next to each other at this moment? A small voice at the back of my mind tries to remind me that we will be in just two short weeks, but the voice is drowned out by the thought of those two weeks. Damn time and its absolute insistance that it keep us apart, then race by when we finally are together. What have I done that time has chosen to be such a thief in my life?
I realize that my half of the conversation is dragging with me lost in my thoughts like this. I force myself back to the present with one final fleeting desire: I want him to call me "Honey."
The thought of him not using titles, names, or any terms of endearment has me thinking. Surely he must? Doesn't everybody do it? I myself use terms of endearment often. Everybody I know has been called "hun" by me. He has several pet names. "Dear." "Love." "Handsome." And of course there are ones that nobody hears but him. In my own heart I call him mine, though I've never voiced this to him. Much as I struggle with it, I am bound and determined to respect his need to take things slowly. At least on the outside. My heart is years ahead of time already...
When I say that he doesn't use titles or names, I mean regularly. Every once in a while he does. He said my name this week. His soft whisper voicing my name sent thrills of love through me. I will always remember our conversation for the way it ended.
"What do you think of pet names? And I mean pet names like 'Sweetheart,' and 'Baby.' Not 'Rufus' or 'Spot.'"
He'd laughed at that. He always laughs at my little similies. Sometimes I come up with ridiculous ones just to hear that laugh. Those moments when he sounds carefree and young. :) Knowing I brought him a moment just by being silly makes me want to be silly that much more often.
As happens so often, he has no real opinion on my utterly random question. He asks, instead, why you would give an animal the nickname "Rufus." I affect indignation at this.
"Rufus is a great name for a dog! And a dog is a pet. Therefore, it is a pet name." I stick my tongue out at him, even though I know he can't see me over the phone. For a brief moment, I wonder if he knows exactly what I'm doing. His low chuckle makes me certain.
"Ah huh. Sure." He emphasizes the last word, as he always does. How many patterns he has! So many times I am able to predict his response before he gives it. I smile a small, private smile as I think of how that confounds him. He is not used to being predictable. I don't think that he is to anybody but me. Hm...I wonder if it is bad of me to be glad that I'm the only one? It's not that I don't want him to be known and loved by the people in his life. It's that I don't want any competition. The one edge that I have over the other women he might meet is that I know him so well. Well, that and the fact that I know I love him like no one else in the world will ever be able to.
We move on to other topics, keeping the conversation light and happy. I wonder that he can't hear the jubilance in my voice every time I talk with him. Jubilance and utter frustration. When I hear his voice, every single fiber of my being wants to be next to him. I miss him so fiercely, especially at night. I think of him alone in his bed, me alone in mind, and I grit my teeth at the insanity of it. Why shouldn't we be next to each other at this moment? A small voice at the back of my mind tries to remind me that we will be in just two short weeks, but the voice is drowned out by the thought of those two weeks. Damn time and its absolute insistance that it keep us apart, then race by when we finally are together. What have I done that time has chosen to be such a thief in my life?
I realize that my half of the conversation is dragging with me lost in my thoughts like this. I force myself back to the present with one final fleeting desire: I want him to call me "Honey."
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
A Trip and a Fall
It has been a little over three weeks since he left me standing in that parking lot. I recall vividly how we both knew that he had to leave, that he'd already stayed much longer than he was supposed to, but neither of us were willing yet to part. This trend has held true for me throughout every one of our ten years together. Once I have him with me I do not want to let him go. He says he feels the same about me. I close my eyes and hear him say those words again, "You are impossibly difficult to leave." He must love me.
Aside from his brief visit to me a few weeks ago, the last time that we saw each other was approximately 14 months prior. The visit before that was another three years prior. The thought of going another year or more without seeing him is too horrible. So, I am planning a trip to go and see him. In another three weeks' time, I'll be hopping on a flight to be with him. And this trip will be no mere three days, split between home, chores, child care, and each other. No! My trip is going to be 9 full days of just us. I cannot think of anything that would be more pleasant...except for maybe not having an end to our time together. I think about that often. I won't lie and say I don't dream of that future together, but I do realize that we are not there yet. I can want anything I want, but I should not allow my thoughts to get out of hand.
This trip that I am taking has overtaken me completely. Every day has at least an hour dedicated to the planning, the purchasing, of various necessities. I shop endlessly for the perfect clothes, and have even ordered a custom jacket. I've never had anything custom made before. You see, I know in my heart of hearts that this trip is a test for us. If all goes well, we may very well be together. If not...I will lose him. Probably forever. I want so much to be with him, for this to all work out for us.
Lord, make the next 23 days fly by!
Aside from his brief visit to me a few weeks ago, the last time that we saw each other was approximately 14 months prior. The visit before that was another three years prior. The thought of going another year or more without seeing him is too horrible. So, I am planning a trip to go and see him. In another three weeks' time, I'll be hopping on a flight to be with him. And this trip will be no mere three days, split between home, chores, child care, and each other. No! My trip is going to be 9 full days of just us. I cannot think of anything that would be more pleasant...except for maybe not having an end to our time together. I think about that often. I won't lie and say I don't dream of that future together, but I do realize that we are not there yet. I can want anything I want, but I should not allow my thoughts to get out of hand.
This trip that I am taking has overtaken me completely. Every day has at least an hour dedicated to the planning, the purchasing, of various necessities. I shop endlessly for the perfect clothes, and have even ordered a custom jacket. I've never had anything custom made before. You see, I know in my heart of hearts that this trip is a test for us. If all goes well, we may very well be together. If not...I will lose him. Probably forever. I want so much to be with him, for this to all work out for us.
Lord, make the next 23 days fly by!
A True Partner
I find myself falling more and more in love with him the more we talk. He worries about the distance between us, the time that has slipped through our fingers, but I don't. The fact that so much time and distance lies between us only makes me more strongly aware of how special the way I feel about him is. After so many years, I love him dearly. Though he is many miles away, I feel closer to him than I do anyone else. I smile when I think about how he cautions me that he is not as great as I think he is.
I wonder why he can't see what I see? He is truly amazing. A more dedicated man I have never met. He is funny, charming, and intelligent beyond words. When he gets on to a topic of interest to him, his entire countenance becomes quite animated. I find the way his eyes light up, how his speech quickens, and he can't stop grinning to be irresistible. He is entirely too cute!
The only thing I am not sure of with him is whether he would choose me. Whether he will. Every time he says something sweet, something that hints at what he feels for me, he takes my breath away. Most days I do not dare to hope for anything more than what we have already had. In these times, love is so often unrequited or even disingenuous. How extraordinary would it be to discover that this love I feel is not unrequited, but returned in equal force? The thought alone is indescribably joyous.
Every so often I allow myself to think of a future with him. Every time that I do, the images are the same. I cannot think of us having anything less than a full life together. I would live with him, marry him, spend the rest of my life with him if he wanted that with me. I hope fervently that he does. I simply cannot imagine casually dating this man I love, not with the way he makes me feel.
When I lay next to him, everything is right in the world. I can look at all the obstacles I face without fear, without hesitation. I rest my head on his chest, feel the gentle inhale and exhale of his breathing, listen to the soft beating of his heart, and I know that there is no place in the world I would ever rather be.
I wonder why he can't see what I see? He is truly amazing. A more dedicated man I have never met. He is funny, charming, and intelligent beyond words. When he gets on to a topic of interest to him, his entire countenance becomes quite animated. I find the way his eyes light up, how his speech quickens, and he can't stop grinning to be irresistible. He is entirely too cute!
The only thing I am not sure of with him is whether he would choose me. Whether he will. Every time he says something sweet, something that hints at what he feels for me, he takes my breath away. Most days I do not dare to hope for anything more than what we have already had. In these times, love is so often unrequited or even disingenuous. How extraordinary would it be to discover that this love I feel is not unrequited, but returned in equal force? The thought alone is indescribably joyous.
Every so often I allow myself to think of a future with him. Every time that I do, the images are the same. I cannot think of us having anything less than a full life together. I would live with him, marry him, spend the rest of my life with him if he wanted that with me. I hope fervently that he does. I simply cannot imagine casually dating this man I love, not with the way he makes me feel.
When I lay next to him, everything is right in the world. I can look at all the obstacles I face without fear, without hesitation. I rest my head on his chest, feel the gentle inhale and exhale of his breathing, listen to the soft beating of his heart, and I know that there is no place in the world I would ever rather be.
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