For a while there, I completely forgot that I was doing this. I wonder how many good thoughts were lost to the flow of time because I'd forgotten I had a place to put them? Oh well. Such is life. I'm sure if they were really good thoughts they'll come back to me eventually. Or was that love? Hm...
Most days, I don't know what I'm doing any more. How did things get this way? How did I fall so far? And can I ever really consider things to be in a bad way when I have the man I've loved for 10 years here with me? I just get so stressed out. Then that stress starts compounding on itself, and before I know it, I'm a complete and utter mess.
Take today, for example. I haven't been intimate with my love in nearly a week. He is incredibly sexy, and the fact that I love him so dearly makes him very, very appealing to me. Not being physical with him for so long is actually really difficult for me. He seems to be able to take it in stride, but I am not so good at that. The last few days, he's actually approached me and tried to be physical, but I resisted. I do want him very much, but I'm afraid of what keeps happening after we make love.
We build up so much passion and intensity. It's easy to go on for an hour without realizing it, because there is that much excitement and love and eagerness. But then afterwards, it's like a switch gets flipped in me. One instant I'll be lying next to him completely blissed out, and a split second later I am wracked with full-body sobs. After I climax, all of my mental and emotional walls come tumbling down and I am completely laid bare. There is no way to hide that I am severely stressed out and am really hurting in a lot of ways.
It's a double freak-out for me. First, it's terrifying to feel that change in myself so quickly. I feel out of control in those moments, which is something I keep such a tight leash on all the time. Second, I can only imagine how scary it is for him. He knows that I've been hurt before. After we have sex and suddenly he sees me crying, how can he not think that he's done something to hurt me or upset me? The fact that that's not the case at all is really hard to sell. It's just stressful, and lately I've avoided being physical because I'm afraid of the aftermath.
Bottom line: I need to talk to him. We can't deal with this or get past it if he doesn't know what's going on and I'm doing all I can to not get in to the situation at all. So, first thing tomorrow, we're gonna have a talk. :) For now, it's bed-time!
She waits
Monday, April 11, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Harsh Blog Dealt
First of all, he's officially out of the Air Force now. The 26th was his last official day. He was able to get time off for the last couple weeks he was in to come here and look for a new place to live. It all worked out fairly smoothly. I hope he's doing all right with all of it. I'd ask him, but I honestly don't know if I should talk to him at all for a while.
We've been looking at places for the last couple of weeks, and we finally found one that we both really like. At least, I think we both really like it. He told his sister his opinion on the place, but I wasn't privy to that conversation. So, we applied for the place, and now we're waiting to hear if we are accepted or not. I am a little nervous about it. I wonder if he is, but I don't know because he hasn't told me anything about how he's feeling. Anyway, in the hopes that we are accepted, we started looking for a couple of bits of furniture that we're going to need. We looked for a couple of hours in one store, and then he looked around online for a while. I don't know what his opinions are on anything except for one shelf that we saw in the store. I know that he has opinions, because, again, he told his sister all about what he saw and what he thought about it. He even took her through all the kitchen islands that he found online. This morning, though, he thought he'd showed me. I guess it's nice that he confuses me with his sister.
Every night she comes home and he goes straight to her to tell her all about his day and what he thinks of the apartment search, the apartment itself, the pieces he wants for it, his style preferences, what he already has. And she's right there to tell him about her day and tell him about what stores she thinks he should check out, and go through a fucking scrapbook she's got. Technically this is going to be my apartment as well, but you wouldn't know it from the way they are. During these conversations, her comments are directed at him by name, and his back is turned to me. I try to join in, and I'm completely ignored. Wow, way to make a girl feel like a shunned dog, guys!
He'd probably think I'm over-reacting. The last couple of weeks have been rough on us both, and the last weekend in particular. We've both reached our limit of patience, tolerance, and general feel-goodness. We're strained. More than likely, he'd like to attribute all I'm thinking and feeling to that. It's not just that, though (it is some, admittedly). This is my first real place with him. At the apartment in Cheyenne, it was already his, and I was invited to stay with him for a while. But this place is supposed to be ours. That really means something to me, and he's being really cruel and disrespectful to me on this by snubbing me constantly in favor of going over every little detail with his sister when he barely talks to me.
It's particularly disappointing that I tried to tell him something about this at the store yesterday. I let him know that it's hard that so much of what is going in to this new apartment is his, and I don't feel like I've contributed. I don't feel like I can do something that's mine. And then last night he bails on me again to talk to his sister about everything he saw, what he liked and what he didn't, and go through her scrapbook. I guess that lets me know how much he considers the things I say.
Really, I think what it comes down to is that I was right in Cheyenne. I figured that as soon as we got to Portland, he'd quickly tire of me. He's around me every day, most of the day if not all of it. We have one car between us (his), so we go pretty much everywhere together. We are currently staying with family (his) that have no spare bedroom, so we are out in the middle of the common area all the time. By this point, he is most likely ready for some space from me, and he makes that abundantly clear in everything that he does.
On the one hand, I can understand that. After all, I have times where I would like some space and privacy also. However, it's not like I'm clinging to him. I'm not following him around everywhere that he goes, wanting him to pay attention to me every fucking minute. We couldn't afford to bring two cars, so I sold mine. I don't have family or friends here that can put us up, and he does. I did not choose for his sister to not have a spare bedroom, that's just the way it worked out. I'm not crowding him on purpose, this is a transition time, that's all. He doesn't need to treat me like a leper.
I guess I reached my breaking point last night. The only time he acts like he wants me around is when we're having sex. We started to last night, and then he suddenly slapped me with a reminder that I have to go to court in a little more than a week. To say goodbye to my son for a few months at least. God, he must really hate me to hit me with that. And the way he said it...
I asked him what he was thinking, what was on his mind. He said he was thinking about me. I asked him what about me. His response? That he was thinking about how I have to go to court in, like, a week.
How do I even respond to that? I froze at the time. He tried to hold me and comfort me, but I couldn't understand why. Why deal a blow like that and then try to snuggle? I love him and feel comforted by him almost all the time. Pretty much every time he holds me. He doesn't have to hurt me first to make me want to be close to him. I ended up leaving the bed (air mattress) and going to the bathroom to cry. I don't know how long I was gone, but he was asleep by the time I got back.
I've barely spoken to him today. I don't know what to say any more. Right now, it feels like all there is for us is stress, problems, and arguments. I don't want to fight with him. I don't want to try to talk about another problem. Nothing helps anyway, does it? I don't think he listens to me. I don't think he cares what I have to say, so none of it matters.
*sigh* I was really hoping to have a good day, too. I got a call from my boss. As part of my job, I need to have access to a four-wheel-drive vehicle, and my boss will be providing that. A Honda Element, in blue. And it will be delivered to me on Monday or Tuesday of this coming week. Fully-loaded, GPS, and a gas card. Insurance is completely taken care of, and the company will pay for the parking space I'll need for it. Both of us will be fully covered, too.
My direct supervisor will be coming out this coming week to deliver my Element to me, and to give me an advance on my salary. And to possibly purchase me a Tablet PC to use for work and school. My poor little computer is about dead, so I need a better system to do my job. That's the plan. I haven't told S any of it. I guess I just don't think he'll care any more about that than he doesn't anything else that comes from me. :(
We've been looking at places for the last couple of weeks, and we finally found one that we both really like. At least, I think we both really like it. He told his sister his opinion on the place, but I wasn't privy to that conversation. So, we applied for the place, and now we're waiting to hear if we are accepted or not. I am a little nervous about it. I wonder if he is, but I don't know because he hasn't told me anything about how he's feeling. Anyway, in the hopes that we are accepted, we started looking for a couple of bits of furniture that we're going to need. We looked for a couple of hours in one store, and then he looked around online for a while. I don't know what his opinions are on anything except for one shelf that we saw in the store. I know that he has opinions, because, again, he told his sister all about what he saw and what he thought about it. He even took her through all the kitchen islands that he found online. This morning, though, he thought he'd showed me. I guess it's nice that he confuses me with his sister.
Every night she comes home and he goes straight to her to tell her all about his day and what he thinks of the apartment search, the apartment itself, the pieces he wants for it, his style preferences, what he already has. And she's right there to tell him about her day and tell him about what stores she thinks he should check out, and go through a fucking scrapbook she's got. Technically this is going to be my apartment as well, but you wouldn't know it from the way they are. During these conversations, her comments are directed at him by name, and his back is turned to me. I try to join in, and I'm completely ignored. Wow, way to make a girl feel like a shunned dog, guys!
He'd probably think I'm over-reacting. The last couple of weeks have been rough on us both, and the last weekend in particular. We've both reached our limit of patience, tolerance, and general feel-goodness. We're strained. More than likely, he'd like to attribute all I'm thinking and feeling to that. It's not just that, though (it is some, admittedly). This is my first real place with him. At the apartment in Cheyenne, it was already his, and I was invited to stay with him for a while. But this place is supposed to be ours. That really means something to me, and he's being really cruel and disrespectful to me on this by snubbing me constantly in favor of going over every little detail with his sister when he barely talks to me.
It's particularly disappointing that I tried to tell him something about this at the store yesterday. I let him know that it's hard that so much of what is going in to this new apartment is his, and I don't feel like I've contributed. I don't feel like I can do something that's mine. And then last night he bails on me again to talk to his sister about everything he saw, what he liked and what he didn't, and go through her scrapbook. I guess that lets me know how much he considers the things I say.
Really, I think what it comes down to is that I was right in Cheyenne. I figured that as soon as we got to Portland, he'd quickly tire of me. He's around me every day, most of the day if not all of it. We have one car between us (his), so we go pretty much everywhere together. We are currently staying with family (his) that have no spare bedroom, so we are out in the middle of the common area all the time. By this point, he is most likely ready for some space from me, and he makes that abundantly clear in everything that he does.
On the one hand, I can understand that. After all, I have times where I would like some space and privacy also. However, it's not like I'm clinging to him. I'm not following him around everywhere that he goes, wanting him to pay attention to me every fucking minute. We couldn't afford to bring two cars, so I sold mine. I don't have family or friends here that can put us up, and he does. I did not choose for his sister to not have a spare bedroom, that's just the way it worked out. I'm not crowding him on purpose, this is a transition time, that's all. He doesn't need to treat me like a leper.
I guess I reached my breaking point last night. The only time he acts like he wants me around is when we're having sex. We started to last night, and then he suddenly slapped me with a reminder that I have to go to court in a little more than a week. To say goodbye to my son for a few months at least. God, he must really hate me to hit me with that. And the way he said it...
I asked him what he was thinking, what was on his mind. He said he was thinking about me. I asked him what about me. His response? That he was thinking about how I have to go to court in, like, a week.
How do I even respond to that? I froze at the time. He tried to hold me and comfort me, but I couldn't understand why. Why deal a blow like that and then try to snuggle? I love him and feel comforted by him almost all the time. Pretty much every time he holds me. He doesn't have to hurt me first to make me want to be close to him. I ended up leaving the bed (air mattress) and going to the bathroom to cry. I don't know how long I was gone, but he was asleep by the time I got back.
I've barely spoken to him today. I don't know what to say any more. Right now, it feels like all there is for us is stress, problems, and arguments. I don't want to fight with him. I don't want to try to talk about another problem. Nothing helps anyway, does it? I don't think he listens to me. I don't think he cares what I have to say, so none of it matters.
*sigh* I was really hoping to have a good day, too. I got a call from my boss. As part of my job, I need to have access to a four-wheel-drive vehicle, and my boss will be providing that. A Honda Element, in blue. And it will be delivered to me on Monday or Tuesday of this coming week. Fully-loaded, GPS, and a gas card. Insurance is completely taken care of, and the company will pay for the parking space I'll need for it. Both of us will be fully covered, too.
My direct supervisor will be coming out this coming week to deliver my Element to me, and to give me an advance on my salary. And to possibly purchase me a Tablet PC to use for work and school. My poor little computer is about dead, so I need a better system to do my job. That's the plan. I haven't told S any of it. I guess I just don't think he'll care any more about that than he doesn't anything else that comes from me. :(
Monday, January 24, 2011
Not doing well
I am so exhausted right now. The last couple of weeks have been nothing but stress, strain, and constant go go go. Don't I get a break? Please, please?
We have officially left Cheyenne. First stop was his brother's place in Nowheresville, OR. That was for about three days. Then off to his parents' for another three or four days. Then to his sister's for another four days. Then to his other sister's for three days. Now we're back with the first sister. I have been surrounded by his family constantly for the last two weeks, and I'm pretty overwhelmed at this point.
I'm terrified that I'm being rude to them, that I'm embarrassing him, but I don't know what to do any more. We don't have a place, I don't have a job, we're running out of money, and I was seriously behind on my schoolwork right up until yesterday. That's a lot of pressure on one person. It's up to me to provide the income at this point, so I'm the only one job hunting. I'm the only one going to school. I'm the only one who can handle all the secretarial work of making appointments to view apartments and keeping all the information organized. He's been sick for a while, so I've been the main one driving us around Portland. If you've never driven here, it can be pretty damned intimidating. It's been a real struggle for me.
His family has grilled me every single time that he's been out of the room for details about my son (a VERY tender subject), and all the past mistakes I've made with S. So much for tact, huh? And whoever came up with the idea that some topics need to be off limits need to introduce that thought to this family. It's really confusing for me at times. I mean, they are about the nicest people I've ever met. They're pretty close-knit, and generous with what they have. But they are also coarse, fairly tactless, and very very blunt. It's a pretty incongruous mix to me. Like I said, I've gotten overwhelmed over the last couple of weeks.
My problem now is that I have nowhere to go to get away for a while. We only have one car, and it belongs to S. We are staying with his family. My own family lives hours and days away from here. I have no friends in the area who can put me up for a while, much less both of us. The sister that we're staying with right now doesn't have a spare bedroom for us to use. Instead, we are on a blow-up mattress in the middle of the living room. So, even though I'm exhausted right now and could easily go to bed, my "bed" is being used as a couch by S and his nephew while they watch a movie.
Therefore, I am stuck at the dining room table typing away, trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. :( I am not doing well.
We have officially left Cheyenne. First stop was his brother's place in Nowheresville, OR. That was for about three days. Then off to his parents' for another three or four days. Then to his sister's for another four days. Then to his other sister's for three days. Now we're back with the first sister. I have been surrounded by his family constantly for the last two weeks, and I'm pretty overwhelmed at this point.
I'm terrified that I'm being rude to them, that I'm embarrassing him, but I don't know what to do any more. We don't have a place, I don't have a job, we're running out of money, and I was seriously behind on my schoolwork right up until yesterday. That's a lot of pressure on one person. It's up to me to provide the income at this point, so I'm the only one job hunting. I'm the only one going to school. I'm the only one who can handle all the secretarial work of making appointments to view apartments and keeping all the information organized. He's been sick for a while, so I've been the main one driving us around Portland. If you've never driven here, it can be pretty damned intimidating. It's been a real struggle for me.
His family has grilled me every single time that he's been out of the room for details about my son (a VERY tender subject), and all the past mistakes I've made with S. So much for tact, huh? And whoever came up with the idea that some topics need to be off limits need to introduce that thought to this family. It's really confusing for me at times. I mean, they are about the nicest people I've ever met. They're pretty close-knit, and generous with what they have. But they are also coarse, fairly tactless, and very very blunt. It's a pretty incongruous mix to me. Like I said, I've gotten overwhelmed over the last couple of weeks.
My problem now is that I have nowhere to go to get away for a while. We only have one car, and it belongs to S. We are staying with his family. My own family lives hours and days away from here. I have no friends in the area who can put me up for a while, much less both of us. The sister that we're staying with right now doesn't have a spare bedroom for us to use. Instead, we are on a blow-up mattress in the middle of the living room. So, even though I'm exhausted right now and could easily go to bed, my "bed" is being used as a couch by S and his nephew while they watch a movie.
Therefore, I am stuck at the dining room table typing away, trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. :( I am not doing well.
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