For a while there, I completely forgot that I was doing this. I wonder how many good thoughts were lost to the flow of time because I'd forgotten I had a place to put them? Oh well. Such is life. I'm sure if they were really good thoughts they'll come back to me eventually. Or was that love? Hm...
Most days, I don't know what I'm doing any more. How did things get this way? How did I fall so far? And can I ever really consider things to be in a bad way when I have the man I've loved for 10 years here with me? I just get so stressed out. Then that stress starts compounding on itself, and before I know it, I'm a complete and utter mess.
Take today, for example. I haven't been intimate with my love in nearly a week. He is incredibly sexy, and the fact that I love him so dearly makes him very, very appealing to me. Not being physical with him for so long is actually really difficult for me. He seems to be able to take it in stride, but I am not so good at that. The last few days, he's actually approached me and tried to be physical, but I resisted. I do want him very much, but I'm afraid of what keeps happening after we make love.
We build up so much passion and intensity. It's easy to go on for an hour without realizing it, because there is that much excitement and love and eagerness. But then afterwards, it's like a switch gets flipped in me. One instant I'll be lying next to him completely blissed out, and a split second later I am wracked with full-body sobs. After I climax, all of my mental and emotional walls come tumbling down and I am completely laid bare. There is no way to hide that I am severely stressed out and am really hurting in a lot of ways.
It's a double freak-out for me. First, it's terrifying to feel that change in myself so quickly. I feel out of control in those moments, which is something I keep such a tight leash on all the time. Second, I can only imagine how scary it is for him. He knows that I've been hurt before. After we have sex and suddenly he sees me crying, how can he not think that he's done something to hurt me or upset me? The fact that that's not the case at all is really hard to sell. It's just stressful, and lately I've avoided being physical because I'm afraid of the aftermath.
Bottom line: I need to talk to him. We can't deal with this or get past it if he doesn't know what's going on and I'm doing all I can to not get in to the situation at all. So, first thing tomorrow, we're gonna have a talk. :) For now, it's bed-time!
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