In talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight, I tried to explain to her how much I love S. As is usually the case, it was easiest to help her understand by comparing how I feel now to how she has seen me feel before. In this instance, I used an ex of mine. There is a similarity between how I felt then and how I feel now: in both cases, I never felt like I was doing enough.
With my ex, this was a very bad feeling. When I was with that person, I never felt like I did enough to please him. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, nothing would ever get him off my case. That's not even close to the way that I feel now. Now I feel like no matter what I do, I can't come close to really expressing how much I love S, or how happy I am with him.
Every day I try something else to show him the way that I feel. I appreciate so much that I'm not feeling any pressure from him on this matter. Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure if he understands what I'm thinking. I believe we've only attempted to talk about it once. At any rate, he sees and comments on how much I do around his apartment. There are moments where he is soft with me and tells me that he is happy I'm here. Those small moments do more for me than I think he'll ever realize.
For me, the small moments often mean more than the grand gestures. It's because they're so natural, so organic. There's no thoughtful planning or choreographing to make sure that it all turns out just right. There's just the honest feelings he has, and his simple choice to tell them to me. Some days, I think I could live off of those moments.
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