For a while there, I completely forgot that I was doing this. I wonder how many good thoughts were lost to the flow of time because I'd forgotten I had a place to put them? Oh well. Such is life. I'm sure if they were really good thoughts they'll come back to me eventually. Or was that love? Hm...
Most days, I don't know what I'm doing any more. How did things get this way? How did I fall so far? And can I ever really consider things to be in a bad way when I have the man I've loved for 10 years here with me? I just get so stressed out. Then that stress starts compounding on itself, and before I know it, I'm a complete and utter mess.
Take today, for example. I haven't been intimate with my love in nearly a week. He is incredibly sexy, and the fact that I love him so dearly makes him very, very appealing to me. Not being physical with him for so long is actually really difficult for me. He seems to be able to take it in stride, but I am not so good at that. The last few days, he's actually approached me and tried to be physical, but I resisted. I do want him very much, but I'm afraid of what keeps happening after we make love.
We build up so much passion and intensity. It's easy to go on for an hour without realizing it, because there is that much excitement and love and eagerness. But then afterwards, it's like a switch gets flipped in me. One instant I'll be lying next to him completely blissed out, and a split second later I am wracked with full-body sobs. After I climax, all of my mental and emotional walls come tumbling down and I am completely laid bare. There is no way to hide that I am severely stressed out and am really hurting in a lot of ways.
It's a double freak-out for me. First, it's terrifying to feel that change in myself so quickly. I feel out of control in those moments, which is something I keep such a tight leash on all the time. Second, I can only imagine how scary it is for him. He knows that I've been hurt before. After we have sex and suddenly he sees me crying, how can he not think that he's done something to hurt me or upset me? The fact that that's not the case at all is really hard to sell. It's just stressful, and lately I've avoided being physical because I'm afraid of the aftermath.
Bottom line: I need to talk to him. We can't deal with this or get past it if he doesn't know what's going on and I'm doing all I can to not get in to the situation at all. So, first thing tomorrow, we're gonna have a talk. :) For now, it's bed-time!
She waits
Monday, April 11, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Harsh Blog Dealt
First of all, he's officially out of the Air Force now. The 26th was his last official day. He was able to get time off for the last couple weeks he was in to come here and look for a new place to live. It all worked out fairly smoothly. I hope he's doing all right with all of it. I'd ask him, but I honestly don't know if I should talk to him at all for a while.
We've been looking at places for the last couple of weeks, and we finally found one that we both really like. At least, I think we both really like it. He told his sister his opinion on the place, but I wasn't privy to that conversation. So, we applied for the place, and now we're waiting to hear if we are accepted or not. I am a little nervous about it. I wonder if he is, but I don't know because he hasn't told me anything about how he's feeling. Anyway, in the hopes that we are accepted, we started looking for a couple of bits of furniture that we're going to need. We looked for a couple of hours in one store, and then he looked around online for a while. I don't know what his opinions are on anything except for one shelf that we saw in the store. I know that he has opinions, because, again, he told his sister all about what he saw and what he thought about it. He even took her through all the kitchen islands that he found online. This morning, though, he thought he'd showed me. I guess it's nice that he confuses me with his sister.
Every night she comes home and he goes straight to her to tell her all about his day and what he thinks of the apartment search, the apartment itself, the pieces he wants for it, his style preferences, what he already has. And she's right there to tell him about her day and tell him about what stores she thinks he should check out, and go through a fucking scrapbook she's got. Technically this is going to be my apartment as well, but you wouldn't know it from the way they are. During these conversations, her comments are directed at him by name, and his back is turned to me. I try to join in, and I'm completely ignored. Wow, way to make a girl feel like a shunned dog, guys!
He'd probably think I'm over-reacting. The last couple of weeks have been rough on us both, and the last weekend in particular. We've both reached our limit of patience, tolerance, and general feel-goodness. We're strained. More than likely, he'd like to attribute all I'm thinking and feeling to that. It's not just that, though (it is some, admittedly). This is my first real place with him. At the apartment in Cheyenne, it was already his, and I was invited to stay with him for a while. But this place is supposed to be ours. That really means something to me, and he's being really cruel and disrespectful to me on this by snubbing me constantly in favor of going over every little detail with his sister when he barely talks to me.
It's particularly disappointing that I tried to tell him something about this at the store yesterday. I let him know that it's hard that so much of what is going in to this new apartment is his, and I don't feel like I've contributed. I don't feel like I can do something that's mine. And then last night he bails on me again to talk to his sister about everything he saw, what he liked and what he didn't, and go through her scrapbook. I guess that lets me know how much he considers the things I say.
Really, I think what it comes down to is that I was right in Cheyenne. I figured that as soon as we got to Portland, he'd quickly tire of me. He's around me every day, most of the day if not all of it. We have one car between us (his), so we go pretty much everywhere together. We are currently staying with family (his) that have no spare bedroom, so we are out in the middle of the common area all the time. By this point, he is most likely ready for some space from me, and he makes that abundantly clear in everything that he does.
On the one hand, I can understand that. After all, I have times where I would like some space and privacy also. However, it's not like I'm clinging to him. I'm not following him around everywhere that he goes, wanting him to pay attention to me every fucking minute. We couldn't afford to bring two cars, so I sold mine. I don't have family or friends here that can put us up, and he does. I did not choose for his sister to not have a spare bedroom, that's just the way it worked out. I'm not crowding him on purpose, this is a transition time, that's all. He doesn't need to treat me like a leper.
I guess I reached my breaking point last night. The only time he acts like he wants me around is when we're having sex. We started to last night, and then he suddenly slapped me with a reminder that I have to go to court in a little more than a week. To say goodbye to my son for a few months at least. God, he must really hate me to hit me with that. And the way he said it...
I asked him what he was thinking, what was on his mind. He said he was thinking about me. I asked him what about me. His response? That he was thinking about how I have to go to court in, like, a week.
How do I even respond to that? I froze at the time. He tried to hold me and comfort me, but I couldn't understand why. Why deal a blow like that and then try to snuggle? I love him and feel comforted by him almost all the time. Pretty much every time he holds me. He doesn't have to hurt me first to make me want to be close to him. I ended up leaving the bed (air mattress) and going to the bathroom to cry. I don't know how long I was gone, but he was asleep by the time I got back.
I've barely spoken to him today. I don't know what to say any more. Right now, it feels like all there is for us is stress, problems, and arguments. I don't want to fight with him. I don't want to try to talk about another problem. Nothing helps anyway, does it? I don't think he listens to me. I don't think he cares what I have to say, so none of it matters.
*sigh* I was really hoping to have a good day, too. I got a call from my boss. As part of my job, I need to have access to a four-wheel-drive vehicle, and my boss will be providing that. A Honda Element, in blue. And it will be delivered to me on Monday or Tuesday of this coming week. Fully-loaded, GPS, and a gas card. Insurance is completely taken care of, and the company will pay for the parking space I'll need for it. Both of us will be fully covered, too.
My direct supervisor will be coming out this coming week to deliver my Element to me, and to give me an advance on my salary. And to possibly purchase me a Tablet PC to use for work and school. My poor little computer is about dead, so I need a better system to do my job. That's the plan. I haven't told S any of it. I guess I just don't think he'll care any more about that than he doesn't anything else that comes from me. :(
We've been looking at places for the last couple of weeks, and we finally found one that we both really like. At least, I think we both really like it. He told his sister his opinion on the place, but I wasn't privy to that conversation. So, we applied for the place, and now we're waiting to hear if we are accepted or not. I am a little nervous about it. I wonder if he is, but I don't know because he hasn't told me anything about how he's feeling. Anyway, in the hopes that we are accepted, we started looking for a couple of bits of furniture that we're going to need. We looked for a couple of hours in one store, and then he looked around online for a while. I don't know what his opinions are on anything except for one shelf that we saw in the store. I know that he has opinions, because, again, he told his sister all about what he saw and what he thought about it. He even took her through all the kitchen islands that he found online. This morning, though, he thought he'd showed me. I guess it's nice that he confuses me with his sister.
Every night she comes home and he goes straight to her to tell her all about his day and what he thinks of the apartment search, the apartment itself, the pieces he wants for it, his style preferences, what he already has. And she's right there to tell him about her day and tell him about what stores she thinks he should check out, and go through a fucking scrapbook she's got. Technically this is going to be my apartment as well, but you wouldn't know it from the way they are. During these conversations, her comments are directed at him by name, and his back is turned to me. I try to join in, and I'm completely ignored. Wow, way to make a girl feel like a shunned dog, guys!
He'd probably think I'm over-reacting. The last couple of weeks have been rough on us both, and the last weekend in particular. We've both reached our limit of patience, tolerance, and general feel-goodness. We're strained. More than likely, he'd like to attribute all I'm thinking and feeling to that. It's not just that, though (it is some, admittedly). This is my first real place with him. At the apartment in Cheyenne, it was already his, and I was invited to stay with him for a while. But this place is supposed to be ours. That really means something to me, and he's being really cruel and disrespectful to me on this by snubbing me constantly in favor of going over every little detail with his sister when he barely talks to me.
It's particularly disappointing that I tried to tell him something about this at the store yesterday. I let him know that it's hard that so much of what is going in to this new apartment is his, and I don't feel like I've contributed. I don't feel like I can do something that's mine. And then last night he bails on me again to talk to his sister about everything he saw, what he liked and what he didn't, and go through her scrapbook. I guess that lets me know how much he considers the things I say.
Really, I think what it comes down to is that I was right in Cheyenne. I figured that as soon as we got to Portland, he'd quickly tire of me. He's around me every day, most of the day if not all of it. We have one car between us (his), so we go pretty much everywhere together. We are currently staying with family (his) that have no spare bedroom, so we are out in the middle of the common area all the time. By this point, he is most likely ready for some space from me, and he makes that abundantly clear in everything that he does.
On the one hand, I can understand that. After all, I have times where I would like some space and privacy also. However, it's not like I'm clinging to him. I'm not following him around everywhere that he goes, wanting him to pay attention to me every fucking minute. We couldn't afford to bring two cars, so I sold mine. I don't have family or friends here that can put us up, and he does. I did not choose for his sister to not have a spare bedroom, that's just the way it worked out. I'm not crowding him on purpose, this is a transition time, that's all. He doesn't need to treat me like a leper.
I guess I reached my breaking point last night. The only time he acts like he wants me around is when we're having sex. We started to last night, and then he suddenly slapped me with a reminder that I have to go to court in a little more than a week. To say goodbye to my son for a few months at least. God, he must really hate me to hit me with that. And the way he said it...
I asked him what he was thinking, what was on his mind. He said he was thinking about me. I asked him what about me. His response? That he was thinking about how I have to go to court in, like, a week.
How do I even respond to that? I froze at the time. He tried to hold me and comfort me, but I couldn't understand why. Why deal a blow like that and then try to snuggle? I love him and feel comforted by him almost all the time. Pretty much every time he holds me. He doesn't have to hurt me first to make me want to be close to him. I ended up leaving the bed (air mattress) and going to the bathroom to cry. I don't know how long I was gone, but he was asleep by the time I got back.
I've barely spoken to him today. I don't know what to say any more. Right now, it feels like all there is for us is stress, problems, and arguments. I don't want to fight with him. I don't want to try to talk about another problem. Nothing helps anyway, does it? I don't think he listens to me. I don't think he cares what I have to say, so none of it matters.
*sigh* I was really hoping to have a good day, too. I got a call from my boss. As part of my job, I need to have access to a four-wheel-drive vehicle, and my boss will be providing that. A Honda Element, in blue. And it will be delivered to me on Monday or Tuesday of this coming week. Fully-loaded, GPS, and a gas card. Insurance is completely taken care of, and the company will pay for the parking space I'll need for it. Both of us will be fully covered, too.
My direct supervisor will be coming out this coming week to deliver my Element to me, and to give me an advance on my salary. And to possibly purchase me a Tablet PC to use for work and school. My poor little computer is about dead, so I need a better system to do my job. That's the plan. I haven't told S any of it. I guess I just don't think he'll care any more about that than he doesn't anything else that comes from me. :(
Monday, January 24, 2011
Not doing well
I am so exhausted right now. The last couple of weeks have been nothing but stress, strain, and constant go go go. Don't I get a break? Please, please?
We have officially left Cheyenne. First stop was his brother's place in Nowheresville, OR. That was for about three days. Then off to his parents' for another three or four days. Then to his sister's for another four days. Then to his other sister's for three days. Now we're back with the first sister. I have been surrounded by his family constantly for the last two weeks, and I'm pretty overwhelmed at this point.
I'm terrified that I'm being rude to them, that I'm embarrassing him, but I don't know what to do any more. We don't have a place, I don't have a job, we're running out of money, and I was seriously behind on my schoolwork right up until yesterday. That's a lot of pressure on one person. It's up to me to provide the income at this point, so I'm the only one job hunting. I'm the only one going to school. I'm the only one who can handle all the secretarial work of making appointments to view apartments and keeping all the information organized. He's been sick for a while, so I've been the main one driving us around Portland. If you've never driven here, it can be pretty damned intimidating. It's been a real struggle for me.
His family has grilled me every single time that he's been out of the room for details about my son (a VERY tender subject), and all the past mistakes I've made with S. So much for tact, huh? And whoever came up with the idea that some topics need to be off limits need to introduce that thought to this family. It's really confusing for me at times. I mean, they are about the nicest people I've ever met. They're pretty close-knit, and generous with what they have. But they are also coarse, fairly tactless, and very very blunt. It's a pretty incongruous mix to me. Like I said, I've gotten overwhelmed over the last couple of weeks.
My problem now is that I have nowhere to go to get away for a while. We only have one car, and it belongs to S. We are staying with his family. My own family lives hours and days away from here. I have no friends in the area who can put me up for a while, much less both of us. The sister that we're staying with right now doesn't have a spare bedroom for us to use. Instead, we are on a blow-up mattress in the middle of the living room. So, even though I'm exhausted right now and could easily go to bed, my "bed" is being used as a couch by S and his nephew while they watch a movie.
Therefore, I am stuck at the dining room table typing away, trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. :( I am not doing well.
We have officially left Cheyenne. First stop was his brother's place in Nowheresville, OR. That was for about three days. Then off to his parents' for another three or four days. Then to his sister's for another four days. Then to his other sister's for three days. Now we're back with the first sister. I have been surrounded by his family constantly for the last two weeks, and I'm pretty overwhelmed at this point.
I'm terrified that I'm being rude to them, that I'm embarrassing him, but I don't know what to do any more. We don't have a place, I don't have a job, we're running out of money, and I was seriously behind on my schoolwork right up until yesterday. That's a lot of pressure on one person. It's up to me to provide the income at this point, so I'm the only one job hunting. I'm the only one going to school. I'm the only one who can handle all the secretarial work of making appointments to view apartments and keeping all the information organized. He's been sick for a while, so I've been the main one driving us around Portland. If you've never driven here, it can be pretty damned intimidating. It's been a real struggle for me.
His family has grilled me every single time that he's been out of the room for details about my son (a VERY tender subject), and all the past mistakes I've made with S. So much for tact, huh? And whoever came up with the idea that some topics need to be off limits need to introduce that thought to this family. It's really confusing for me at times. I mean, they are about the nicest people I've ever met. They're pretty close-knit, and generous with what they have. But they are also coarse, fairly tactless, and very very blunt. It's a pretty incongruous mix to me. Like I said, I've gotten overwhelmed over the last couple of weeks.
My problem now is that I have nowhere to go to get away for a while. We only have one car, and it belongs to S. We are staying with his family. My own family lives hours and days away from here. I have no friends in the area who can put me up for a while, much less both of us. The sister that we're staying with right now doesn't have a spare bedroom for us to use. Instead, we are on a blow-up mattress in the middle of the living room. So, even though I'm exhausted right now and could easily go to bed, my "bed" is being used as a couch by S and his nephew while they watch a movie.
Therefore, I am stuck at the dining room table typing away, trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do. :( I am not doing well.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
How much is enough?
In talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight, I tried to explain to her how much I love S. As is usually the case, it was easiest to help her understand by comparing how I feel now to how she has seen me feel before. In this instance, I used an ex of mine. There is a similarity between how I felt then and how I feel now: in both cases, I never felt like I was doing enough.
With my ex, this was a very bad feeling. When I was with that person, I never felt like I did enough to please him. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, nothing would ever get him off my case. That's not even close to the way that I feel now. Now I feel like no matter what I do, I can't come close to really expressing how much I love S, or how happy I am with him.
Every day I try something else to show him the way that I feel. I appreciate so much that I'm not feeling any pressure from him on this matter. Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure if he understands what I'm thinking. I believe we've only attempted to talk about it once. At any rate, he sees and comments on how much I do around his apartment. There are moments where he is soft with me and tells me that he is happy I'm here. Those small moments do more for me than I think he'll ever realize.
For me, the small moments often mean more than the grand gestures. It's because they're so natural, so organic. There's no thoughtful planning or choreographing to make sure that it all turns out just right. There's just the honest feelings he has, and his simple choice to tell them to me. Some days, I think I could live off of those moments.
With my ex, this was a very bad feeling. When I was with that person, I never felt like I did enough to please him. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, nothing would ever get him off my case. That's not even close to the way that I feel now. Now I feel like no matter what I do, I can't come close to really expressing how much I love S, or how happy I am with him.
Every day I try something else to show him the way that I feel. I appreciate so much that I'm not feeling any pressure from him on this matter. Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure if he understands what I'm thinking. I believe we've only attempted to talk about it once. At any rate, he sees and comments on how much I do around his apartment. There are moments where he is soft with me and tells me that he is happy I'm here. Those small moments do more for me than I think he'll ever realize.
For me, the small moments often mean more than the grand gestures. It's because they're so natural, so organic. There's no thoughtful planning or choreographing to make sure that it all turns out just right. There's just the honest feelings he has, and his simple choice to tell them to me. Some days, I think I could live off of those moments.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Happy Holidays
Christmas is just over three weeks away now. I haven't purchased any of the gifts I'm planning to get, but I have a lot of ideas for what I'm going to give to people. The one big difficulty I'm having is with S. It's not that I don't have any idea of what to get him, it's that I have too many ideas of what to get him. Shopping for him is really easy as far as options, but really hard as far as narrowing those options down.
I've thought about getting him a video game chair (I found the perfect one, I think). Or a whiskey decanter and tumbler set. I've also thought about a calligraphy set, or a couple of collector's editions of games that he's been wanting. I've thought about a few books that I would just love to get for him. On the off chance that he reads this blog, I won't list the one thing that I'm certainly going to get for him. There are other ideas as well. I truly wish that I could get everything for him. Wouldn't that be nice? I would really enjoy that--giving him nice things, bringing good new things to his life.
I also look at gifts for him as a way to show him that I know him, and I care about him. I pay attention to what matters to him. I remember when he says something. Who knows if it will come across that way to him? All I can do is hope, and plan...
Oh dear. Now I've got that ridiculous song stuck in my head. "Wishing and hoping..." Grrr. I'm about to go to work, and that song is going to be stuck in my head all day long! :( How annoying is that?
Anywho, I'm off. Take care.
I've thought about getting him a video game chair (I found the perfect one, I think). Or a whiskey decanter and tumbler set. I've also thought about a calligraphy set, or a couple of collector's editions of games that he's been wanting. I've thought about a few books that I would just love to get for him. On the off chance that he reads this blog, I won't list the one thing that I'm certainly going to get for him. There are other ideas as well. I truly wish that I could get everything for him. Wouldn't that be nice? I would really enjoy that--giving him nice things, bringing good new things to his life.
I also look at gifts for him as a way to show him that I know him, and I care about him. I pay attention to what matters to him. I remember when he says something. Who knows if it will come across that way to him? All I can do is hope, and plan...
Oh dear. Now I've got that ridiculous song stuck in my head. "Wishing and hoping..." Grrr. I'm about to go to work, and that song is going to be stuck in my head all day long! :( How annoying is that?
Anywho, I'm off. Take care.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
So unsure of myself
It looks like there is something on his mind. Something troubling him, weighing on him. I asked him about it, invited him to talk to me, but he didn't say anything. Part of me aches that he doesn't open up to me, but for the most part I just accept that that's how it is right now. I've only been here for a month. Though we've been talking for over a year, this part of our relationship is still really new. He's been through a lot, I imagine. See, I'm not sure on that front, either, because he hasn't shared with me.
It's really hard to be there for him most of the time. I want to be. He can trust me, lean on me. Whatever he needs, I'm here for him. But can trust me and will trust me are two completely different things. So far, he's let me in a little bit, but is still hesitant to let me in completely. Honestly, because of our history, I'm not sure if it's because he's unsure about me, or if it's because of what he's been through. The result is that I start to doubt myself.
Well, that's not entirely true, is it? I usually doubt myself. There are days where I think that I'm perfectly capable of just about anything. I act with confidence because I am sure that I will do well. Then there are days when I cannot imagine how I could ever be good at something. I'm sure that I must be terrible, and I'm afraid to even try my hand at whatever I'm facing. Really, it's not so much days as it is different tasks.
At work, I'm perfectly sure of myself. I love my job, and I can see by the looks on the faces of my customers and co-workers that I do well at it. On the other hand, when it comes to sex, I am completely unsure of myself. I love making love to him. Every time with him is so good, it blows my mind. Afterwards, though, I always wonder if it's good for him. I've never had the courage to ask, but I wonder. I don't think I'm any good at it. It's horribly embarrassing to think that, much less say it out loud.
I'm sure that if he ever told me I was good, my fears would be calmed. I would gain confidence and maybe even get better. The problem would be if he told me that I'm right to be unsure. That I'm not good, or that I don't please him. If I ever heard that from him...I think I would shut down completely.
Anyway, that's not really the point I was trying to make.
I worry about him. When I can see something weighing in his eyes, every fiber of my being wants to help lift it from him. To even have a hope of helping him with anything, though, he has to trust me. So, then, that's the pivotal question:
How do I earn his trust?
It's really hard to be there for him most of the time. I want to be. He can trust me, lean on me. Whatever he needs, I'm here for him. But can trust me and will trust me are two completely different things. So far, he's let me in a little bit, but is still hesitant to let me in completely. Honestly, because of our history, I'm not sure if it's because he's unsure about me, or if it's because of what he's been through. The result is that I start to doubt myself.
Well, that's not entirely true, is it? I usually doubt myself. There are days where I think that I'm perfectly capable of just about anything. I act with confidence because I am sure that I will do well. Then there are days when I cannot imagine how I could ever be good at something. I'm sure that I must be terrible, and I'm afraid to even try my hand at whatever I'm facing. Really, it's not so much days as it is different tasks.
At work, I'm perfectly sure of myself. I love my job, and I can see by the looks on the faces of my customers and co-workers that I do well at it. On the other hand, when it comes to sex, I am completely unsure of myself. I love making love to him. Every time with him is so good, it blows my mind. Afterwards, though, I always wonder if it's good for him. I've never had the courage to ask, but I wonder. I don't think I'm any good at it. It's horribly embarrassing to think that, much less say it out loud.
I'm sure that if he ever told me I was good, my fears would be calmed. I would gain confidence and maybe even get better. The problem would be if he told me that I'm right to be unsure. That I'm not good, or that I don't please him. If I ever heard that from him...I think I would shut down completely.
Anyway, that's not really the point I was trying to make.
I worry about him. When I can see something weighing in his eyes, every fiber of my being wants to help lift it from him. To even have a hope of helping him with anything, though, he has to trust me. So, then, that's the pivotal question:
How do I earn his trust?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
So...freaking...frustrated. Growl.
This is driving me crazy. It was just one stupid little slip in coordination. Not a big deal. At least, it shouldn't be. So, why the hell am I so bent out of shape about this?
We were supposed to meet up at the gym tonight. He goes for two hours during his shift, and I like to go because I enjoy it. I don't have a pass to get on base, though. To get me a pass, we were supposed to meet up at the gate first. No big deal. It would have taken just a couple of minutes to do. Somebody in his unit was missing, so he only had about thirty seconds to get me a pass. He told me to be there ASAP, so I got there ASAP. In fact, I beat him to the gate. Then I realized I didn't have my ID on me. I'd taken it out of my wallet to take care of some forms for work, and hadn't put it back. So, I raced back to the apartment to get it and straight back to the gate. I got there just in time-to miss him by about one minute.
I got ahold of him to see if he could come back, but of course he couldn't. This isn't just regular work where you have some flexibility. This is the military. He was already doing more than was strictly okay by getting me the pass tonight. He couldn't try again, and I understand that. It's just...frustrating. I'm pretty pissed, to be completely honest. Only, I'm not pissed at him.
There's no way I could be mad at him, but I know I'm taking it out on him right now. My responses to him have been clipped and stressed. I know he can tell, because he just offered to swing by the apartment after the gym, which I know he really shouldn't do. I just don't want to start talking too much, because then I'll vent that I'm upset. He doesn't need to be bothered with that nonsense. And it is nonsense.
I'm frustrated because it's so tough to get the timing right between the two of us. Him being in the military alone makes things difficult. Have you ever tried to spend quality time with somebody who works all night long and sleeps all day? And his shifts are each 12 hours long. So, between work and sleep there's about three hours left over in the day. That time has to take care of hygiene, eating, and getting ready for the next shift. After all of that, there's maybe an hour left. One hour. Each day. It's ridiculous. Trying to spend quality time with somebody who only has an hour is next to impossible. He wants to relax with me, but most of the time he's stressing about going back to work.
When he finally has a day off, he spends the majority of it sleeping, because he needs to catch up on his rest. Then there's my job. We don't even get to sleep next to each other any more because I work while he sleeps. By the time I get home, I'm ready to take a bath and go to bed. My job isn't hard, and my hours aren't long, but I do a lot and I do get tired. So, I come home and go to bed while he gets up and goes to work.
To get any real time together, I have to be very flexible and extremely determined to make it work. He doesn't have that option because so much of his life is so strictly regimented. I am really the only one who can make the choices, so I do. I stay up all night so we can text (our only real conversations any more). I stay up after work so I can cook him dinner. I stay up all night knowing I have to work in the morning because he at last has a night off and I'd like to have that time with him. Things like that.
Really, it's just me being selfish. I have physical needs, but I put them aside because I enjoy having time with him. He told me at the beginning that as far as he's concerned, he'd like to have maybe one or two days a week to spend with me. Other than that, he didn't expect to see me much. It's on me that I go so long without sleeping. It's my fault that I'm cranky as all get out because I don't get enough rest. That's really why I'm so frustrated tonight. I give up so much to have that time with him, and this one thing is more for me than it is for him. I love going to the gym. It makes me happy, and I always feel so great afterwards. One stupid mistake, and I missed it tonight. That on top of missing it last night because I was sleeping has put me in a severely foul mood. Growl.
All right, enough bitching and moaning. It's not doing anybody any good. I'm off to take a bath and then probably to bed. Tomorrow I have the day off, so hopefully that will help my mood.
Take care.
We were supposed to meet up at the gym tonight. He goes for two hours during his shift, and I like to go because I enjoy it. I don't have a pass to get on base, though. To get me a pass, we were supposed to meet up at the gate first. No big deal. It would have taken just a couple of minutes to do. Somebody in his unit was missing, so he only had about thirty seconds to get me a pass. He told me to be there ASAP, so I got there ASAP. In fact, I beat him to the gate. Then I realized I didn't have my ID on me. I'd taken it out of my wallet to take care of some forms for work, and hadn't put it back. So, I raced back to the apartment to get it and straight back to the gate. I got there just in time-to miss him by about one minute.
I got ahold of him to see if he could come back, but of course he couldn't. This isn't just regular work where you have some flexibility. This is the military. He was already doing more than was strictly okay by getting me the pass tonight. He couldn't try again, and I understand that. It's just...frustrating. I'm pretty pissed, to be completely honest. Only, I'm not pissed at him.
There's no way I could be mad at him, but I know I'm taking it out on him right now. My responses to him have been clipped and stressed. I know he can tell, because he just offered to swing by the apartment after the gym, which I know he really shouldn't do. I just don't want to start talking too much, because then I'll vent that I'm upset. He doesn't need to be bothered with that nonsense. And it is nonsense.
I'm frustrated because it's so tough to get the timing right between the two of us. Him being in the military alone makes things difficult. Have you ever tried to spend quality time with somebody who works all night long and sleeps all day? And his shifts are each 12 hours long. So, between work and sleep there's about three hours left over in the day. That time has to take care of hygiene, eating, and getting ready for the next shift. After all of that, there's maybe an hour left. One hour. Each day. It's ridiculous. Trying to spend quality time with somebody who only has an hour is next to impossible. He wants to relax with me, but most of the time he's stressing about going back to work.
When he finally has a day off, he spends the majority of it sleeping, because he needs to catch up on his rest. Then there's my job. We don't even get to sleep next to each other any more because I work while he sleeps. By the time I get home, I'm ready to take a bath and go to bed. My job isn't hard, and my hours aren't long, but I do a lot and I do get tired. So, I come home and go to bed while he gets up and goes to work.
To get any real time together, I have to be very flexible and extremely determined to make it work. He doesn't have that option because so much of his life is so strictly regimented. I am really the only one who can make the choices, so I do. I stay up all night so we can text (our only real conversations any more). I stay up after work so I can cook him dinner. I stay up all night knowing I have to work in the morning because he at last has a night off and I'd like to have that time with him. Things like that.
Really, it's just me being selfish. I have physical needs, but I put them aside because I enjoy having time with him. He told me at the beginning that as far as he's concerned, he'd like to have maybe one or two days a week to spend with me. Other than that, he didn't expect to see me much. It's on me that I go so long without sleeping. It's my fault that I'm cranky as all get out because I don't get enough rest. That's really why I'm so frustrated tonight. I give up so much to have that time with him, and this one thing is more for me than it is for him. I love going to the gym. It makes me happy, and I always feel so great afterwards. One stupid mistake, and I missed it tonight. That on top of missing it last night because I was sleeping has put me in a severely foul mood. Growl.
All right, enough bitching and moaning. It's not doing anybody any good. I'm off to take a bath and then probably to bed. Tomorrow I have the day off, so hopefully that will help my mood.
Take care.
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