How much is enough?

In talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight, I tried to explain to her how much I love S.  As is usually the case, it was easiest to help her understand by comparing how I feel now to how she has seen me feel before.  In this instance, I used an ex of mine.  There is a similarity between how I felt then and how I feel now: in both cases, I never felt like I was doing enough.

With my ex, this was a very bad feeling.  When I was with that person, I never felt like I did enough to please him.  No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, nothing would ever get him off my case.  That's not even close to the way that I feel now.  Now I feel like no matter what I do, I can't come close to really expressing how much I love S, or how happy I am with him.

Every day I try something else to show him the way that I feel.  I appreciate so much that I'm not feeling any pressure from him on this matter.  Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure if he understands what I'm thinking.  I believe we've only attempted to talk about it once.  At any rate, he sees and comments on how much I do around his apartment.  There are moments where he is soft with me and tells me that he is happy I'm here.  Those small moments do more for me than I think he'll ever realize.

For me, the small moments often mean more than the grand gestures.  It's because they're so natural, so organic.  There's no thoughtful planning or choreographing to make sure that it all turns out just right.  There's just the honest feelings he has, and his simple choice to tell them to me.  Some days, I think I could live off of those moments.

So unsure of myself

It looks like there is something on his mind.  Something troubling him, weighing on him.  I asked him about it, invited him to talk to me, but he didn't say anything.  Part of me aches that he doesn't open up to me, but for the most part I just accept that that's how it is right now.  I've only been here for a month.  Though we've been talking for over a year, this part of our relationship is still really new.  He's been through a lot, I imagine.  See, I'm not sure on that front, either, because he hasn't shared with me.

It's really hard to be there for him most of the time.  I want to be.  He can trust me, lean on me.  Whatever he needs, I'm here for him.  But can trust me and will trust me are two completely different things.  So far, he's let me in a little bit, but is still hesitant to let me in completely.  Honestly, because of our history, I'm not sure if it's because he's unsure about me, or if it's because of what he's been through.  The result is that I start to doubt myself.

Well, that's not entirely true, is it?  I usually doubt myself.  There are days where I think that I'm perfectly capable of just about anything.  I act with confidence because I am sure that I will do well.  Then there are days when I cannot imagine how I could ever be good at something.  I'm sure that I must be terrible, and I'm afraid to even try my hand at whatever I'm facing.  Really, it's not so much days as it is different tasks.

At work, I'm perfectly sure of myself.  I love my job, and I can see by the looks on the faces of my customers and co-workers that I do well at it.  On the other hand, when it comes to sex, I am completely unsure of myself.  I love making love to him.  Every time with him is so good, it blows my mind.  Afterwards, though, I always wonder if it's good for him.  I've never had the courage to ask, but I wonder.  I don't think I'm any good at it.  It's horribly embarrassing to think that, much less say it out loud.

I'm sure that if he ever told me I was good, my fears would be calmed.  I would gain confidence and maybe even get better.  The problem would be if he told me that I'm right to be unsure.  That I'm not good, or that I don't please him.  If I ever heard that from him...I think I would shut down completely.

Anyway, that's not really the point I was trying to make.

I worry about him.  When I can see something weighing in his eyes, every fiber of my being wants to help lift it from him.  To even have a hope of helping him with anything, though, he has to trust me.  So, then, that's the pivotal question:

How do I earn his trust?

Do we want the same things?

All day today I have found myself anxious and distracted.  When we first started talking about me coming out here to stay, it was with the clear understanding that this part of our relationship is completely new.  We can't make big plans for the future just yet.  We need to try and take things slow, to see how they naturally develop.  At this point, it's been so long since we have spent any real amount of time together that we can't even be sure that we're a good match any more.  Of course, we both want to be, but there's no way of really knowing until we try to live together.  It's a big test, and it could blow up spectacularly in our faces.

The thing is, after less than a week of being here, after just two weeks of seeing him nearly every day, I'm done for.  There is no doubt in my mind that he is the one that I want.  He is The One.  He thinks that I should be bored here with him, but I am not even close to bored.  How to I explain to him just how much I love this everyday life?  That I get to sleep next to him each night is such a treat.  Cooking dinner for him in the evening is such a treat.  All those silly little everyday things are exactly what I've always wanted with him.

Right now we are both in transition in our lives.  I'm working on my degree, and still working small-time jobs for income.  He is about two months away from being discharged from the Air Force, and then he plans to go back to school.  Neither one of us is firmly established in our careers yet.  We're still working on our plans for our lives.  The thing is, now we can do those things together.  The more time I spend with him, the more certain I am that sharing this journey with him is exactly what I want.  I want so much to be there to support and encourage him as he transitions out and works on his degree.  I want to be there to see all that he does, and see what he becomes.

I love him.  I love how easy it is to be with him.  The only thing I ever have a hard time talking to him about is when I wonder if we are on the same page.  Does he want the same things with me now?  I've been trying to take things slow, but the way I feel is what it is.  I know better than to try and change how I feel.  More than that, I don't want to change this.  I have never been this happy in my life.  I have never felt more content.  Everything with him feels just right.

The question that is burning on the back of my tongue is, "Do you feel the same way?"  Having me here even just this short amount of time, are you certain that this is right for you?  Am I the one for you?  I want to know, but I don't want to ask.  I know that the right thing would be to let whatever this is progress naturally, but how can we do that?  After all, our love started ten years ago.  Nothing of how we came to be together like this has followed the typical progression of a relationship.  To my knowledge, this is completely uncharted territory.  Add to that, what works for one person may not work for another.

I am anxious.  I am full of befuddled thoughts.  I do not know what to do next.  All I can think is that I love him, I am happy with him, and I hope that he feels the same way that I do.

Bath Time!

Waking up next to him is still a treat.  One that I hope I never ever get used to.  Feeling the light hit my face, waking up all warm and snuggly next to my love.  What a perfect way to start the day!  Of course, as soon as I'm awake, I have to promptly jump out of bed.  If I don't, I cannot stop myself from trailing my fingers down his jaw, and resting my cheek against his chest.  As enjoyable as these things are, they usually wake him up before he's ready to be up.  Since I don't want to disturb his rest, I gently slide out of bed and start my day.

By the time Mr. Sleepy Head gets up, I have done a good bit of writing, watched a movie, and started cooking breakfast.  I try to time my cooking so that it's all ready just as he's ready to eat--not as soon as he gets up.  Really, who eats the moment they crawl out of bed?  I stifle a giggle when I see the Swamp Creature's long-lost brother stumble out of the bedroom and flop onto the couch.  I wonder if he realizes how my heart races as soon as I see him?

Our day is delightfully normal.  Grocery shopping, a little TV.  I decided to cook him a homemade meal--one of my specialties--to thank him for asking me to move in with him, and to show him that I love him.  Chicken breast, homemade mashed potatoes (note to self: get him a potato masher! I really like to make mashed potatoes from scratch, and he doesn't have one), and asparagus.  Frozen yogurt for dessert.  The meal takes me over an hour to prepare and serve, but I love every minute of it.  It seems that everything I get to do for him is a joy.  And seeing him devour the meal I made like he hadn't eaten in a week was definitely a pleasure.

After dinner, he announces that he's going to go take a bath.  Before he goes, though, he makes a wise crack about me.

"Oh ho, you think so, huh?"  I say, jumping up and heading to the bathroom.  I start filling the tub knowing full well that he thinks it's for him.  Not this time!  Little snot wants to make wise cracks about me, I'm going to steal his bath. hehehe  :)

Of course, I can't hide anything from him.  He figured out what I was up to, and decided he was fine with me taking his bath.  In fact, he helped me get in...clothes and all!  I don't think I was able to catch my breath for a full 10 minutes after that.  He didn't help matters, either, what with resisting when I pulled him in after me.  He tried to keep himself out of the tub by grabbing on to the shower curtain, which pulled the rod down on top of our heads.  I lost sight of him under the curtain for a little while and had to dig him out.  No easy task when you're laughing yourself silly!

Somewhere between pulling off my soaking wet jeans and helping him put the shower curtain back up, I realize that moments like these are why I'm so completely in love with him.  He is not a spontaneous person, or this silly, he doesn't even laugh that often.  But he does with me.  When he is with me, I feel his walls come down, and I see him come alive.  In these things, I see the reflection of exactly what he does for me.  He is my match, and I love him so.