So...freaking...frustrated. Growl.

This is driving me crazy.  It was just one stupid little slip in coordination.  Not a big deal.  At least, it shouldn't be.  So, why the hell am I so bent out of shape about this?

We were supposed to meet up at the gym tonight.  He goes for two hours during his shift, and I like to go because I enjoy it.  I don't have a pass to get on base, though.  To get me a pass, we were supposed to meet up at the gate first.  No big deal.  It would have taken just a couple of minutes to do.  Somebody in his unit was missing, so he only had about thirty seconds to get me a pass.  He told me to be there ASAP, so I got there ASAP.  In fact, I beat him to the gate.  Then I realized I didn't have my ID on me.  I'd taken it out of my wallet to take care of some forms for work, and hadn't put it back.  So, I raced back to the apartment to get it and straight back to the gate.  I got there just in time-to miss him by about one minute.

I got ahold of him to see if he could come back, but of course he couldn't.  This isn't just regular work where you have some flexibility.  This is the military.  He was already doing more than was strictly okay by getting me the pass tonight.  He couldn't try again, and I understand that.  It's just...frustrating.  I'm pretty pissed, to be completely honest.  Only, I'm not pissed at him.

There's no way I could be mad at him, but I know I'm taking it out on him right now.  My responses to him have been clipped and stressed.  I know he can tell, because he just offered to swing by the apartment after the gym, which I know he really shouldn't do.  I just don't want to start talking too much, because then I'll vent that I'm upset.  He doesn't need to be bothered with that nonsense.  And it is nonsense.

I'm frustrated because it's so tough to get the timing right between the two of us.  Him being in the military alone makes things difficult.  Have you ever tried to spend quality time with somebody who works all night long and sleeps all day?  And his shifts are each 12 hours long.  So, between work and sleep there's about three hours left over in the day.  That time has to take care of hygiene, eating, and getting ready for the next shift.  After all of that, there's maybe an hour left.  One hour.  Each day.  It's ridiculous.  Trying to spend quality time with somebody who only has an hour is next to impossible.  He wants to relax with me, but most of the time he's stressing about going back to work.

When he finally has a day off, he spends the majority of it sleeping, because he needs to catch up on his rest.  Then there's my job.  We don't even get to sleep next to each other any more because I work while he sleeps.  By the time I get home, I'm ready to take a bath and go to bed.  My job isn't hard, and my hours aren't long, but I do a lot and I do get tired.  So, I come home and go to bed while he gets up and goes to work.

To get any real time together, I have to be very flexible and extremely determined to make it work.  He doesn't have that option because so much of his life is so strictly regimented.  I am really the only one who can make the choices, so I do.  I stay up all night so we can text (our only real conversations any more).  I stay up after work so I can cook him dinner.  I stay up all night knowing I have to work in the morning because he at last has a night off and I'd like to have that time with him.  Things like that.

Really, it's just me being selfish.  I have physical needs, but I put them aside because I enjoy having time with him.  He told me at the beginning that as far as he's concerned, he'd like to have maybe one or two days a week to spend with me.  Other than that, he didn't expect to see me much.  It's on me that I go so long without sleeping.  It's my fault that I'm cranky as all get out because I don't get enough rest.  That's really why I'm so frustrated tonight.  I give up so much to have that time with him, and this one thing is more for me than it is for him.  I love going to the gym.  It makes me happy, and I always feel so great afterwards.  One stupid mistake, and I missed it tonight.  That on top of missing it last night because I was sleeping has put me in a severely foul mood.  Growl.

All right, enough bitching and moaning.  It's not doing anybody any good.  I'm off to take a bath and then probably to bed.  Tomorrow I have the day off, so hopefully that will help my mood.

Take care.

Too much to do, too little time

I am trying to do too much.  He can see the weight of it all on me, he says.  I have tried to shrug it off like it's nothing, but I can see the damage myself every time I look in the mirror.  Those ridiculously dark circles I had finally started to get rid of are back with a vengeance.  Stupid things.  It takes me an extra five minutes to get ready for the day, because they are so hard to cover up.  At the end of the process, they are still there.  I just barely manage to make myself look more human than raccoon.

So, it is obvious to us both that I am trying to do too much.  The problem I see is that there is nothing in my life that I want to give up or cut back on.

I have work.  I just started a week ago, and I absolutely love my job.  Working at Victoria's Secret is fun, exciting, and definitely entertaining.  I take a lot of pride in my work.  I mean, come on, helping women feel comfortable, beautiful, and sexy for their everyday lives?  That's worth getting up for!  Yesterday I helped a woman find what she said was the first bra to fit her properly and comfortably that she's ever owned.  Every woman who has ever worn an ill-fitting bra knows what torture that is.

I have school.  I have just recently been invited to join the combined Bachelor's/Master's program at Capella University online.  That will save me at least half a year, which is awesome.  Saving time and money?  That's really a great opportunity, and one I'm happy to take advantage of.  I love my classes, of course, but I'm so happy to be getting closer and closer to my degree with every course I complete.  Remember, I decided to study Psychology when I was in the 2nd grade.  So, I have been working towards this goal for the last 17 years. Wow...that's the first time I've ever written it out like that.  17 years.  Now I'm so close.  I can't stand the thought of being delayed again unless it's absolutely unavoidable.

I have domestic duties.  I love taking care of him in that way.  He's gotten so used to having to do everything on his own, I find that really sad.  After all, people are not meant to spend so much of their time alone.  Aside from that, he simply doesn't have enough time.  He works 12-hour shifts, you know.  He works so hard, and when he finally is able to come home, he needs to just eat and sleep.  On his days off, the very last thing he ought to worry about is taking out the garbage, washing the laundry, or doing the dishes.  I can do all of those things.  Yes, I work, too, but my shifts rarely last more than 7 hours.  And my work is during normal waking hours, not the middle of the night as his are.  I am good at domestic duties, I find cleaning relaxing, and I cherish the opportunity to make his life a little bit easier.  It's not something I want to give up.

And, of course, I have him.  We don't get to spend a lot of time together--he's working while I'm sleeping, he's sleeping while I'm working, and our work schedules often overlap a little bit.  Daily, I'd say we have about three hours together on the outside.  Typically our time together is spent on his days off.  Sometimes, like yesterday, we stay up all night (his day off) and then I go to work in the morning.  That is a little rough on me, but I don't want to miss out on the time with him.

Yesterday I found out that I was scheduled to have four days off in a row this week, starting today.  Four days, really?  Part of me thought that's exactly what I need.  Four days is plenty of opportunity to do all of my homework for the week, get the apartment spotless, and rest before going back to my hectic schedule.  I didn't take the time, though.  As soon as I found out about the four days off, I asked for and took on two extra shifts.  One today, and one on Friday.  I still get two days off in a row, and one of them will be on his day off.  I just don't want to lose that many hours.  Frankly, we need the money.  More than that, though, I don't want to be idle.  Once I get going on my crazy schedule, I can't stop.  As soon as I do, I lose my momentum and it's so hard to get that back.

Anyway, it's now 6 am.  I have laundry to fold and put away, and then it's off to bed for a couple of hours.  He'll be home then, and we can have our hour together before he goes to bed, and I get ready for work.  When I came home from work yesterday I was so tired.  I went to bed and ended up sleeping right through the gym.  I'm very disappointed in myself for that, and am determined to not do it again tonight.  I really enjoy going to the gym.  There are stories, of course, but that's another topic for another day.

Take care for now.