She waits

She waits

Saturday, December 4, 2010

How much is enough?

In talking to a friend of mine earlier tonight, I tried to explain to her how much I love S.  As is usually the case, it was easiest to help her understand by comparing how I feel now to how she has seen me feel before.  In this instance, I used an ex of mine.  There is a similarity between how I felt then and how I feel now: in both cases, I never felt like I was doing enough.

With my ex, this was a very bad feeling.  When I was with that person, I never felt like I did enough to please him.  No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, nothing would ever get him off my case.  That's not even close to the way that I feel now.  Now I feel like no matter what I do, I can't come close to really expressing how much I love S, or how happy I am with him.

Every day I try something else to show him the way that I feel.  I appreciate so much that I'm not feeling any pressure from him on this matter.  Honestly, I'm not even entirely sure if he understands what I'm thinking.  I believe we've only attempted to talk about it once.  At any rate, he sees and comments on how much I do around his apartment.  There are moments where he is soft with me and tells me that he is happy I'm here.  Those small moments do more for me than I think he'll ever realize.

For me, the small moments often mean more than the grand gestures.  It's because they're so natural, so organic.  There's no thoughtful planning or choreographing to make sure that it all turns out just right.  There's just the honest feelings he has, and his simple choice to tell them to me.  Some days, I think I could live off of those moments.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy Holidays

Christmas is just over three weeks away now.  I haven't purchased any of the gifts I'm planning to get, but I have a lot of ideas for what I'm going to give to people.  The one big difficulty I'm having is with S.  It's not that I don't have any idea of what to get him, it's that I have too many ideas of what to get him.  Shopping for him is really easy as far as options, but really hard as far as narrowing those options down.

I've thought about getting him a video game chair (I found the perfect one, I think).  Or a whiskey decanter and tumbler set.  I've also thought about a calligraphy set, or a couple of collector's editions of games that he's been wanting.  I've thought about a few books that I would just love to get for him.  On the off chance that he reads this blog, I won't list the one thing that I'm certainly going to get for him.  There are other ideas as well.  I truly wish that I could get everything for him.  Wouldn't that be nice?  I would really enjoy that--giving him nice things, bringing good new things to his life.

I also look at gifts for him as a way to show him that I know him, and I care about him.  I pay attention to what matters to him.  I remember when he says something.  Who knows if it will come across that way to him?  All I can do is hope, and plan...

Oh dear.  Now I've got that ridiculous song stuck in my head. "Wishing and hoping..." Grrr.  I'm about to go to work, and that song is going to be stuck in my head all day long!  :(  How annoying is that?

Anywho, I'm off.  Take care.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

So unsure of myself

It looks like there is something on his mind.  Something troubling him, weighing on him.  I asked him about it, invited him to talk to me, but he didn't say anything.  Part of me aches that he doesn't open up to me, but for the most part I just accept that that's how it is right now.  I've only been here for a month.  Though we've been talking for over a year, this part of our relationship is still really new.  He's been through a lot, I imagine.  See, I'm not sure on that front, either, because he hasn't shared with me.

It's really hard to be there for him most of the time.  I want to be.  He can trust me, lean on me.  Whatever he needs, I'm here for him.  But can trust me and will trust me are two completely different things.  So far, he's let me in a little bit, but is still hesitant to let me in completely.  Honestly, because of our history, I'm not sure if it's because he's unsure about me, or if it's because of what he's been through.  The result is that I start to doubt myself.

Well, that's not entirely true, is it?  I usually doubt myself.  There are days where I think that I'm perfectly capable of just about anything.  I act with confidence because I am sure that I will do well.  Then there are days when I cannot imagine how I could ever be good at something.  I'm sure that I must be terrible, and I'm afraid to even try my hand at whatever I'm facing.  Really, it's not so much days as it is different tasks.

At work, I'm perfectly sure of myself.  I love my job, and I can see by the looks on the faces of my customers and co-workers that I do well at it.  On the other hand, when it comes to sex, I am completely unsure of myself.  I love making love to him.  Every time with him is so good, it blows my mind.  Afterwards, though, I always wonder if it's good for him.  I've never had the courage to ask, but I wonder.  I don't think I'm any good at it.  It's horribly embarrassing to think that, much less say it out loud.

I'm sure that if he ever told me I was good, my fears would be calmed.  I would gain confidence and maybe even get better.  The problem would be if he told me that I'm right to be unsure.  That I'm not good, or that I don't please him.  If I ever heard that from him...I think I would shut down completely.

Anyway, that's not really the point I was trying to make.

I worry about him.  When I can see something weighing in his eyes, every fiber of my being wants to help lift it from him.  To even have a hope of helping him with anything, though, he has to trust me.  So, then, that's the pivotal question:

How do I earn his trust?